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Spam of the month

I don't normally read spam, but this one got through my first line filters and was so tempting that, well ...

Dear Beneficiary,

The Priory Of Sion Society of Edinburgh under the jurisdiction of the all Seeing Eye, Master Nick Cobb has after series of secret deliberations and random ballot as selected you to be a beneficiary of 2006 end of Year foundation laying grants and also an optional opening at the round table of the Priory Of Sion Society.

These grants are issued every end of year around the world in accordance with the objectives of the Priory Of Sion Society as stated by King Francis Aurthor I in 1815 which is to ensure the continuous freedom of man and to enhance mans living conditions.

We will also advice that these grant funds awarded to you which amount to $350,000.00 be used to better the lot of man through your own initiative and also we will go further to inform you that the open slot to become a Priory Of Sion is optional.

I hope you understood and do contact the Grant Claims Office Co-Secretary, Name: Barr. Richard Salter,,do send along your personal information’s (Names, Residential Address,Occupation,Tel/Fax Numbers,Sex,Age and Country) for more information's on what you are to do to make claims of your grant awarded to you.

Yours Sincerely,

Mrs. Judith Ernest.
Priory Of Sion Society of Palmerston Place Lane, Edinburgh

Words cannot describe how tempted I was to reply, along the lines of: "Dear Judith, thanks for your offer — but there's no need to do this by email: would you mind telling me what street number you're at and what your office hours are so I can drop round in person?"

After all, if the phishers pick an address about a ten minute walk from their mark's front door, they've got to expect the occasional walk-in ...

(And that's leaving aside the amusement value of anyone expecting a religious organization to offer me a grant. But that's about par for the course with spammers: they pander to the gullible, and they're not terribly bright themselves.)



Hmmm... spam based on the Da Vinci code. How about something like:

"Dear Scion,
It has come to our knowledge that you are the last scion of Jesus christ and Mary Magdalene. If you wish to be crowned Emperor of Man and Representative of God on Earth (OK, I'm making this up - I didn't actually read _TDVC_ and have no idea what the importance of the scion is in the book), Please send us your credit card details and you will get your crown and scepter within two business weeks"

And why stop with the Da Vinci code? If the priory of Sion can offer grants, why can't the Escathon?


Is there, perchanee, such a thing as a Knight Pursuivant of the Ineluctable Brethren of the Priory of Sion?

And What Would Bob Howard Do?


Looks like you weren't the only lucky one selected.

December 10th entry.


It's an artwork. I suspect Vos Post.


Just yesterday I was mentioning to someone that Nigerian quantum mechanics spam that Kathryn Cramer received (um, here)
So, is there a secret society out there creating intelligent pseudo-spam? A new form of literature?


INteresting. ANything like this allegedly going on in Edinburgh gets me interested. Thats two instances, so can anyone who knows something about the internet track down the details for the quote e-mails, to see if they are real or fake?
If we do get any real addresses out of this I volunteer to go and visit them.


There is a Palmerston Place Lane, not surprisingly off Palmerston Place near Haymarket. The only business I can find on there is a private detective!


Re: Nigerian quantum mechanics spam

Lovely! I don't think I've seen anything quite so funny since I stopped getting pamphlets from the Flat Earth Society. I miss them. Anybody heard from them lately?


Just one of these days, I'd like to find out that a spammer lives somewhere in Scotland, so I can go and visit them and ask what their up to. Whether I take some friends and certain "instruments" with me I'll leave up to your imagination.


Some of us can be very imaginative about such things.


I have a magic sword of management control you can borrow. It's +2 to hit vs. managers and an additional +2 against bullshit (or is that redundant?).


Bruce- that won't be enough for my work. Think of a place with management so clueless that they end up letting us get 6 or 7 Health and safety improvement notices. OR that are 2 years later getting a thermal oxidiser. Or that let someone who cut the electricians padlocks off a furnace on/ off switch get away with a short verbal warning. It doesnt help that the parent company regards us as a cash cow, and has conspired to ensure that our next managing director is a man whom I cannot say anything about on here in case someone sets a lawyer on me, yet I can prove it all.
Also, our site move will probably cost close to double what they budgeted for it a few years ago.
So, a sword of +2 isnt enough. How about a tactical nuke of management replacement of +5,000?


hope you understood and do contact the Grant Claims Office Co-Secretary, Name: Barr. Richard Salter,,do send along your personal information’s (Names, Residential Address,Occupation,Tel/Fax Numbers,Sex,Age and Country) for more information's on what you are to do to make claims of your grant awarded to you.


Is there anyone you really don't like, Charlie?


Tony: how about we start with George W. Bush, of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC?


That would just be making more work for a secretary. And in any event, spam has to hit the particular weakness of the target. No matter what you think of his other weaknesses, belief in Dan Brown style Templar idiocy does not strike me as typical failing for President Bush. He'd be more likely to jump at a Pat Robertson style appeal, if any.


Guthrie, what you need is an application of Fog-Of-Management atomizer to get rid of the vermin you've got now, a can of Boss-Off for spraying around the doors and windows to prevent any more from coming in, and an emergency canister of Eau d'Geek to treat any existing previous instars that may start metatmorphosing into the destructive form. Oh, and a couple of Director Motels, just in case you miss one or two with the other measures.


This reminds me of something I saw on Usenet earlier in the year, basically newsgroup spam. It was a mail exhorting readers to purchase something called (drumroll, please):

The Secret of The Ages Revealed
Previously hidden. Known only to adepts.

The purchaser of this monograph is cautioned not to divulge it to others. It is the one supreme word. It is easy to pronounce. It cannot be revealed here. Within it is the heartbeat of the cosmos. How to use the word is revealed in The Lost Word Of Power, a three page pamphlet by Frater Aurum Solis.

The word is made up of four letters and can be spoken anywhere and at any time it is needed. We first published this monograph back in 1985. Readers reported miracles. One man wrote "the effects are beyond anything I could imagine.......It is worth more than all the money in the world".

Only costs $19.95, too. A bargain! And the accompanying website contains a cornucopia of similar bargains. Atlantean Power Crystals and Vril Generators, all at reasonable prices.

Although why anyone would need to muck around with Atlantean Crystals and suchlike once he/she has the 4-letter word of ultimate power, beats me.


Bruce, do you have somewhere I can buy them? Perhaps you could sell such items to people to leave around their office?
But I don't understand what a Director Motel would be.


It's like a Roach Motel, only for hard-core Managers (Director and above). Or hasn't the fad for Director titles gotten beyond the US West Coast yet?

Maybe the Roach Motel isn't as universally available as it should be. It's basically a roach trap; the advertising slogan is: "Roaches check in, but they can never check out!"

Perhaps you could sell such items to people to leave around their office?
Hmmm, I think we need to keep a low profile on these things. It's all we need for some counter-terrorista to find out about them and decide they're WMDs, just because they're designed to exterminate management. I mean, come on! It's barely less humane than solicitorcide!

I didnt get the roach hotel thing at all- we dont have many roaches in Scotland, although I'm sure that global warming will help change that.
I'm sure the counter terrorism people will have bosses as well, so they may not be able to resist the temptation...


Charlie, I find spam very useful :)

Every time I'm stuck for a name in a story, open a random spam and there's 2-3 to pick from.


This spam email is GREAT.... when I saw the email supposedly from 'Priory of Scion' I was like 'where do I remember that name...' and after reading the email a bit it made me laugh. Certainly highly entertaining. :D



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This page contains a single entry by Charlie Stross published on December 24, 2006 1:56 PM.

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