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He's back, and this time he's TWICE as Orthodox!!
Starring, in no particular order:
Jeff Goldblum Schmuel Cohen, Yeshiva Boy Jack Nicholson Yasser Arafat Cher Sharon Cohen Kevin Costner The Evil Nasty Islamic Terrorist leader Mr T Yeshiva Boy's politically correct ethnic minority henchperson with a big phallic machine gun Schmuel Cohen is just your ordinary all-chassidic, hard-praying, hard-studying kind of guy. But when his Rebbe was kidnapped by sinister, mirrorshade-wearing Germans working for a shadowy European biotechnology corporation, he was forced to pick up a gun and a prayer-book and go after them. In YESHIVA BOY 1 he rescued the rabbi, foiled the corporation's dastardly plan to sell meat containing Pig DNA to orthodox jews, and got to fire his Uzi a lot. But now he's back at study in the Yeshiva and all's well with the world ... or is it?
It's the first night of Passover, and Cohen is celebrating the festival with the Rebbe and his family in their New York apartment when the phone rings. It's the Cantor from the Yeshiva, calling with terrible news. Yasser Arafat, while visiting New York, has been kidnapped by a band of radical islamic terrorists who are threatening to kill him and derail the Middle East peace process unless the Temple Mount in Jerusalem is ceded to them. The Rebbe is horrified: ``but what about the Wall?'' he chokes. ``Don't worry,'' Cohen says grimly; ``so they think they've got Arafat? I'll give them Arafat!''
The terrorists have gone to ground in New York and are threatening to kill Arafat if their demands are not met within 24 hours. Cohen leaves the seder table, takes his fedora and his Uzi, and walks out the door. There follows a long sequence in which he rescues his henchperson (who is being menaced by a collection of Rotweiller-wielding punks). In the process they attract the unwelcome attentions of a police patrol car, and are forced to requisition it. There is a car chase, shots are exchanged, and Yeshiva Boy makes it to the scene of the kidnapping.
The scene is a plush hotel. As Cohen walks in the door he is welcomed by his sometime mentor, Ariel Sharon of the Mossad. ``Thank God you made it!'' says Sharon: ``the terrorists are threatening to kill Arafat unless we use you as an intermediary!'' ``Why would they do a thing like that?'' asks Yeshiva Boy. ``So they know you aren't trying to sneak up behind them!''
They head for the docks, where the terrorists are holed up on board a 200,000 ton LPG carrier full of propane which they have wired with explosives. (It's moored close enough to shore to take out Brooklyn if it goes up.) Along the way they are tailed and then shot at by some of NYPD's finest, who resent having Mossad agents hijack their patrol cars. There's a mobile incident room set up on the shore and Yeshiva Boy arrives just in time to see the terrorists on the ship hanging six dead Navy SEALs from the gas pipe. ``Oh dear,'' says Yeshiva Boy. ``Pass the wet-suit ...''
Yeshiva Boy is down into the oily dark water just in time, as the terrorists -- who are armed with TOW missile launchers -- open fire from the tanker. (One of them succeeds in blowing himself off the deck and into the harbour, where he is set upon and eaten by albino crocodiles.)
Yeshiva Boy fights off the albino crocodiles with the aid of his trusty pen-knife, swims to the side of the tanker, throws his grappling iron up the sixty-foot-high flank of the ship, hauls himself hand-over-hand up onto the deck ... and is cornered by three terrorists armed with anti-tank missile launchers, miniguns, and thick beards. "Ah, it is my old friend Yeshiva Boy!" exclaims the villain, stepping forward from the deep shadows beneath the bridge, crackling his knuckles as he approaches. "I've been hoping to run into you ... for a long time!"
(It is Abu Hussain, evil mastermind of the Popular Front for the People's Renewal Struggle for Palestine (Reformed Branch). His nose was put out of joint two years earlier when Yeshiva Boy foiled his evil plot to detonate an atomic weapon in downtown Karachi, convincing Pakistan that Israel was attacking, thus inducing an apocalyptic Arab-Israeli war and a run on the Yen.)
"Into the tank with him!" snarls the bearded fanatic. "We detonate the carrier on schedule in three hours or whenever the President arrives on scene to listen to our demands, whichever is sooner." Over his shoulder: "by the way, when's the helicopter due?"
The evil minions of the PFPRSP(RB) remove his weapons then throw Yeshiva Boy into the dank and oily depths of an empty fuel tank, then slam the lid closed on top of him. His only comfort is his prayer book ... meanwhile, he can hear harsh breathing.
"Who's there?" calls Yeshiva Boy. The breathing changes; it is now a hideous slobbering rasp, and the sound of altogether too many legs scuttling against the inner wall of the fuel tank can be heard.
Yeshiva Boy pulls forth his prayer book and holds it open in front of him. A ghastly green luminescence floods forth, illuminating the monstrous writhing torso of an alien hive queen (resembling a cross between a slug, a praying mantis, and the entire cast of Village People). It advances on Yeshiva Boy, clacking its mandibles and fingering its jock- strap suggestively. "You're not Yasser Arafat!" exclaims our hero, and pulls forth his black ninja tallith with which to attack the monster.
To be continued ...
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