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Competition Time!

As we're two weeks out from publication of "The Rhesus Chart", we in Human Resources at SOE (Q Division) thought it would be amusing to run a competition for the worst, most embarrassing, disciplinary hearing we in the Laundry have ever had the misfortune to be involved in.

Post your worst workplace disciplinary problems in the comments below. (Please remember to check that your name appears correctly on your comment. Due to a bug in the way the blog handles logins with Google OpenID, some names are mangled: if this happens to you, add another comment identifying yourself.)

Five lucky winners will receive signed first-edition hardcovers of "The Rhesus Chart"; five runners-up will receive "Magic Circle of Safety" public awareness mugs, and/or a surprise visit from the Black Assizes.

Entries will be judged by me (Charlie Stross) on July 7th, and announced in a separate blog post. (Many thanks to co-sponsors Orbit Books for ideas, support, and the clipboard above.) I'll arbitrarily pick the cleverest reasons, or just the ones that make me laugh the loudest and the longest. Here are some brief examples to get you started (extra points for florid and unforgettable details):

* Employee called in three OCCULUS teams to bring down the Bird-God of Balsagoð, which turned out to be a pigeon.

* Failed to attend mandatory diversity awareness training due to being trapped in another dimension.

* Made inappropriate sashimi-themed jokes when attending reception for treaty negotiation delegation from BLUE HADES.

* Emailed selfie of own genitalia to another employee, resulting in PTSD and nightmares about ovipositors and traumatic insemination.


522 Comments

1:

Made unauthorized use of Hands of Glory to jump queues and avoid paying for entry at theaters and nightclubs.

2:

Stored a small but inconveniently curious extradimensional entity in the bitcoin blockchain.

3:

Inappropriate use of a class 3 glamour as a Halloween costume.

4:

Violated Section 63 (1)(b) of the 1994 Criminal Justice Act with a repetitive ostinato played during Lombardo's 3rd Rite.

5:

Due to a sharp increase in sexual harassment complaints, staff officers must refrain from summoning succubi to fill vacancies in the typing pool.

6:

Unauthorized usage of Human Resources in a performance of Michael Jackson's Thriller.

7:

Modified the boss' PowerPoint presentation to fast-track promotion by survival.

8:

[CENSORED]'s manager failed to realize that the employee in question took a day off from work for their grandmother's funeral on 13 different occasions.
Grandmother finally neutralized after a pitched battle with [CENSORED].

9:

Class-4 Unscheduled Reality Excursion reportedly caused by employee doodling Dho-Na curves during lunch break on unapproved materials, to wit: a takeaway menu with grease stains at critical points.

10:

Failed to do a proper background check on new girlfriend (forgot to run facial recognition search on her photo) and thus did not notice that she has been flagged by Ops Directorate for termination. Counter-Subversion is now forcing me to participate in their ongoing surveillance operation against her as part of my penance...and the Auditors have scheduled a hearing...

11:

Recommend review of Health and Safety protocols after [REDACTED] carelessly invited Mr P Beagle to "pet the unicorn."

12:

Theft of office supplies for personal use at home. Those paperclip audits are for a reason!

13:

Inappropriate use of Zann-type violin during birthday party.

14:

Employee is directly responsible for the suicide of at least four secretaries by keeping "harmless tentacle porn" [sic] in an unsecured desk.

15:

Inappropriate contact with sacrificial livestock caused the failure of a mission-critical occult procedure.

16:

'Settling a bet about the existence of the 'Brown Note'' is insufficient reason to authorise unlocking of the Clavier Diabolique.

17:

Instantiation of dangerous infovore with 3rd Reich obsession to justify missing backup tapes of the department's servers. The costs incurred for the restoration of the moon's surface to its previous state will be deducted from your future wages.

18:

Collect call of Cthulhu unauthorized by the Finance Office.

19:

Employee's cleanup of the resolution of the CLASS MAGENTA outbreak failed to follow ISO 14001 standards.

20:

Employee did not participate in mandatory Public Service Blood Donation Day. Trying to bite one's manager is no appropriate, processable proof of employee's so-called vampiric tendencies.

cc OHS: Reminder: Addendum to work-place codex re allowable cases of wearing of shades at daylight necessary, also vamp. warning sign/button.

Mgt.

21:

Employee sent a picture message of themselves posing in fear in London Aquarium to a junior computational demonologist. The resulting confusion led to an inappropriate activation of the SCORPION STARE network and the untimely demise of no fewer than 30 cephalopods. Suggest adding "snapchat satire 101" to the next new member induction presentation.

22:

Employee was found making factual corrections to obscure Wikipedia entries and citing appropriate sources. At least thirty individuals had to be forcibly inducted and Facebook had to be shut down for half an hour while posts were scrubbed from their timelines.

23:

Regardless of "cleverness", unauthorized use of alchemical transposition techniques are now explicitly forbidden on the following properties:

critical mass (related note: Remove all smoke detectors with americium from all Laundry facilities)
electronegativity
boiling and/or freezing point if not in same phase at standard room temperature
heats of fusion and/or vaporization

24:

Innappropiate use of new Laundry cloud-computing capabilites, viz. distributed algorithm to improve chances of England winning World Cup by hexing other teams.

25:

Using thinly disguised TELIC PROGENY YELLOW Unscheduled Reality Excursion Reports as fodder for a homebrew Call of Cthulhu campaign is both unwise and against regulations. Needless to say, submitting them for publication is worse, even if they did win an ENnie.

26:

Testing the SCORPION STARE network on Her Majesty's pigeons while supplying sound effects (to wit: "pew pew!" noises) is in keeping neither with the Service's traditions nor the maturity one expects of a man of your age and experience.

27:

Inappropriate use of Laundry computing resources (ref. 1) resulting in massive demon incursion with multiple fatalities.

(Ref. 1) BitTorrent download of Game of Thrones Season 3 finale

28:

Unauthorized use of Raimi-King circuit to reanimate daughter's deceased hamster. Used unsanctioned compulsion geas to stop kindergarten teacher calling police. Subsequently summoned OCCULUS team to stop fast thinker possessed rodent, which had chewed through cage and two walls to escape onto Hampstead Heath and was hunting joggers.

29:

Creating dioramas of the Microsoft Office 97 Office Assistant ('Clippy') using departmental supplies "liberated" from classified documents is strictly against internal procedures. The infestation has required a 12 person team armed with magnets and specially constructed banishment wire-cutters over 3 weeks to remove. Containment involved the loss of 3 members of residual human resources, 12 printers (which melted when over 5M requests were made for printed material used in nests) and the construction of a 3m containment field atop the Wandsworth roundabout to house the Queen when banishment proved impossible.

30:

Carelessly forgot "Fiddle of Doom" in backseat of taxi cab. Said object was found by one Mickey Meth-Mouth and sold to a pawn shop on [REDACTED] Street. Instrument purchased by violinist of a "Trance-Goth-K-Pop" band. The instrument was, unfortunately, played at a "gig" the following night leading to the deaths of the other members of the band and half a dozen front row audience members. The remainder of audience members suffered from brain aneurysms. Their medical situation is currently considered grave.

There was also one case of Zombification (possibly unrelated to the concert). He was later tracked to his workplace and apprehended, however his co-workers noted that his personality and efficiency seemed to be greatly improved and requested that he be allowed to return to work.

A cover story was given to the press that a New, Lethal Street Drug was involved. "Remember Kids, Just Say No To Drugs."

It has been recommended that Agent [NAME REDACTED] be given a Geas of Binding with the recovered instrument.

31:

"Passed out from blood loss" is not an acceptable reason for not filling out the Health and Safety Questionnaire in triplicate in the required ink substitute.

32:

Refusing to accept the results of two separate investigations, employee has not stopped sending thoroughly discredited reports of a shoggoth infiltration of the disciplinary committee.

33:

While laudable in intent ("to increase productivity"), use of temporal manipulation "because modafinil wasn't cutting it anymore" resulted in multiple anachronistic incursions. Mobilization of the Special Media Directorate as cover has resulted in two critically acclaimed programmes that will require a second season in the autumn. As recompense, [REDACTED] will be required to play a recurring role in both.

34:

Employee violated standard emergency materiel acquisition guidelines. While it is appreciated that on occasion field operatives may be required by exigent circumstances to temporarily defer appropriate acquisition request paperwork in the interests of CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN operations, this is not to be viewed as tacit or explicit permission for employees to utilise warrant cards to commandeer Class 395 rail stock on the Northern Kent line from Gravesend to Dartford, necessitating remedial work by the audit team on the personnel and passengers on the line, when the purchasing of a standard third-class rail ticket would readily suffice. Further, while operatives may indeed be called upon to operate in unusual and demanding circumstances at short notice, we would assume field operatives would - recent unfortunate incidents notwithstanding - not assume that all non-Church of England christening ceremonies, even given family member involvement, were sufficiently unusual to commander rail stock, place an OCCULUS unit on standby and arm SCORPION STARE for a field deployment. The remedial work required with the congregation has already caused great difficulty with GEORGIAN CONVENT. While we are aware of the operative's workload and outstanding leave days, we suggest that contacting his family during the preceding three years might have prevented this overreaction to discovering that he was now an uncle.

35:

Not an actual entry but Charlie: your images seem to be too wide to fit on the page (which is a shame because it cuts out the seal and such in the top right).

36:

Playing cards during a slow watch is acceptable. Using the Saint Germain tarot for this purpose is a violation of organizational security policies. Using the Saint Germain tarot for strip poker is likely to be construed as a deliberate attempt to win a Darwin Award.

37:

Inappropriate attempts at humour resulted in severe disturbances of the work environment.

Employee
- Brought unicorn poop cookies* to the office party
- Provided residual human resources with Little Tree Air Fresheners
- Inserted class 2 occult symbols into the Laundry-chat emoticon database

*http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/unicorn-poop-cookies-214011/

38:

Employee left an unguarded, unlabeled container of STYX LIMBO BLUE in the break room, resulting in a spectacularly failed attempt to implement ISO 3103. The fact that four members of staff now have limited precognition should in no way mitigate the graveness of the offence.

39:

Co-opting the central nervous systems of the members of Residual Human Resources into a Bitcoin mining pool is not permitted, and the employee would have been punished for this, had he not attempted to side-step the P-NP completeness problem using an unauthorised summoning grid to link nameless horrors from beyond spacetime into this mining pool. Disciplinary hearing is postponed, pending Plumbers' confirmation that aerosolised remains discovered in the sub-basement are of the ex-employee in question.

40:

While Perl's syntax may be 'barely distinguishable from R'lyehian', re-writing the lower dimensional firewall in Intercal is not an appropriate use of the Agent's time, or sanity.

41:

HR Policy GoTo 6.6.6: Coercive mental model of recursion applied to Human Resources Policy Manual in avoidance of disciplinary action is prohibited. Per Count++ Protocol, all new violations of this rule are to be documented as a new sub-regulation. Given the seriousness of the offense, the Human Resources Policy Manual Requires dictates a full listing of violated policy regulations associated with this infraction:
HR Policy GoTo 6.6.6.1: Coercive mental model of recursion applied to Human Resources Policy Manual in avoidance of disciplinary action is prohibited. Per Count++ Protocol, all new violations of this rule are to be documented as a new sub-regulation. Given the seriousness of the offense, the Human Resources Policy Manual Requires dictates a full listing of violated policy regulations associated with this infraction:
...

42:

Late for work. Again.

And no, disruption of the Tube network due to demon incursion is not a valid excuse. See policies and procedures - punctuality ref: SOE0983738/83 Para 21.4.3. Where it clearly states:

"21.4.3: Punctuality (Exigent Circumstances)
Employees of Field Agent grade F3 or above, shall always, when not actively engaged in mission based activities authorised through an operational handler (or duly delegated deputy -ref SOE0746973/74 Para 37.12.3 sub-clause 11.1 or direct line superior - except in the case of dual reporting lines, where SOE063848573/33 Para 11.54.5 takes precedence) ensure punctual arrival at their designated workplace no less than 4 minutes before 09:00h. All reasonable precautions shall be taken to ensure that paranormal or supernatural occurances will not impede the employees ability to meet said obligation. To this end the employee should ensure that their departmental phone is, at all times fully updated with all the appropriate countermeasure apps. This includes all those designed to counteract threats from: Zombies, Demons, Vampires, Ghouls, Hobgoblins, Elves, Fairies, Traffic Wardens, Succubi, Fallen Angels, Entities from the Abyss, and Teddy Bears.

This procedure shall takes precedence over all previous punctuality clauses. And over other clauses pertaining to this process which may have been affected by future versions through manipulation of quantum portal manipulation"

43:

Deploying a Class 111 Attention Sink Geas into a smartphone App without prior clearance by the Ethics Committee.

Mitigation point 1: the Ethics Committee has not been quorate since 1987 and the wind elemental testing incident FISH STORM RED

Mitigation Point 2 : Normal trans-atlantic treaty relationship should have applied and the App automatically rejected by the AppStore - Query suspected Black Chamber Involvement to fast track the approval.

Outcome - Breach noted on your personnel file, developer privileges suspended in the interim


[handwritten in deep black fountain pen across the bottom] Just ask first next time - attend 09:30 debriefing at Q branch tomorrow. Make sure you take all source code for Sweetie Smash Tale for analysis. signed Angleton>

44:

Had classified details of SSENDAM entities published in a fantasy role-playing game supplement.

45:

Installation of SCORPION STARE assets in a female co-worker's shower head is an inappropriate use of organizational equipment and a violation of the sexual harassment code of conduct. Revealing the same to said co-worker on an organization-owned computer monitor on organization-managed property during normal business hours was both unprofessional and disruptive to the working environment. "Accidentally" activating SCORPION STARE when said co-worker's cat was in field of view upon hearing of the incident report to Human Resources is both inexcusable and inappropriate use of resources, not to mention the damages from the resulting fire.

(Based on a true incident back when I was a manager.)

46:

Bungled Case Nightmare Green coding resulting in inadvertent arming of all computer video-cameras associated with popular dating site.

47:

Spent preceding five years in prehistoric city while current body was inhabited by ancient intelligence, failed to get time off approved beforehand.

48:

Used Langford Fractal Parrot as a Livejournal user icon - for four years before enough people were affected to trigger alarms. If it had been Facebook the results might have been catastrophic...

49:

Exploited coding error in Angry Birds app to cause users to inadvertently summon angry birds.

50:

Employee accidentally emailed "who's up for kfc???" to mailing list ALL instead of IT_STAFF_CHAT. Subsequent "Reply All" messages caused a time-line recursion issue since the email had been CCed to [REDACTED] Department's address book which contains temporally-displaced email addresses.
This resulted in a complete network shut-down for three days while personnel from [REDACTED] and IT Support attempted to fix the time-line (time logged: 0.5 days) and reinstalled Windows 2000 on the mail-server (time logged: 2.5 days).

51:

When Member of Public (MOP) called regarding a rejected insurance claim due to the exemption clause "Act of God", and MOP demanded to speak to the person responsible, actually connecting the MOP to the entity whose activity resulted in CASE PUCE CHIMNEY is not in accordance with strategies outlined in the PUBLIC RELATIONS GUIDEBOOK. In violation of sections 1.2.4.7 ("Pleasantly Obtuse"), 3.5.2.9 ("Four Dimensions Were Good Enough For Churchill!"), and 43.7.12.9 ("When Someone Asks If You're A God").

52:

Inappropriate use of binding geas (performed on daughter's boyfriend in order to ensure safe return of daughter no later than 2200 British Summer Time).

53:

This disciplinary committee considers it a case of severe negligence to allow the soul eater to escape from it's containment.

The committee notes that the soul eater, whilst a useful tool at a cross departmental marketing event, should never have been removed from it's permanent confinement in the secure holding facility.

It being "hard to spot amongst the rest of the marketing department" is not a sufficient excuse for it being able to escape and gain access to PowerPoint and clip art.

The only mitigating factor is it's subsequent demise following the decimation of the visiting PR consultants. The coroner indicates toxic shock as the most likely cause.

Any future attempts to prematurely end inter-departmental secondments will be viewed in a dim light.

54:

Serious infraction of the rules concerning doodling, in this case The Parrot. Disciplinary hearing postponed due to subject's ill health. See attached jpg.

55:

Continual insistence on bringing bag of dirty clothes to work endangering workplace morale; loud and furious remarks on nonexistence of laundromat facilities constitute attempts to spread belief in clothes cleaning as a duty of Q Division, which constitutes a CLASS D CLASS A violation of protocol (sticky note: violation changed to CLASS A after STAINLESS WASHBOARD incident — Floor 5B still covered in detergent, blood?).

56:

When I started reading I thought we had to post our own true experiences. In which case mine would have included some unusual offences.

57:

Disciplinary hearing, Thurs, 14:30 for [REDACTED]

It is, in fact, a severe violation of not merely protocol, but the TransAtlantic Treaty to a) move retrograde in time 12 years, and b) attempt to call a demon of the netherworld (class 3) to try to break the circle used by then-Vice President of the United States and his associates in calling Cthulhu, both for 1) said demon failing and 2) had said demon succeded, it would have set Cthulhu loose in Washington, DC.

Note that arguing that this would have an extremely positive modification to history is not an acceptable defense, especially in light of the American Agency's letter of protest sent to us.

mark

58:

1. Misappropriation of toner cartridges.
2. Unauthorized publication with intent to disseminate of original, unexpurgated Alhazred manuscripts.
3. Unauthorized reuse of toner cartridges noted in ref. 1, leading to repeated involuntary recurrences of incident noted in ref. 2.
4. Unauthorized destruction of government property to halt incident noted in ref. 3. See also attached Request for Administrative Leave by C. Barrow, Requests for Disability Disbursement by H. Mason and J. Crowley, and Approval for Disbursement of Insurance to the widow of M. Nelson.

59:

Failure to properly vocalize HCF/SDI memonic during real-time thaumaturgic assembly hacking session.

60:

Permanent damage likely done to BLUE HADES relations after referring to BLUE HADES diplomat as “looking a hot mess,” while diplomat was in earshot. Employee response of “Wow, awkward,” to discussion of remarks with superior not acceptable formal apology.

FOLLOW-UP:
While making formal apology, in what employee claims was “attempt to make small talk,” employee directly exposed a BLUE HADES to multiple “viral” videos, including a musical performance by a popular entertainer that employee implied was an apparent descendent of BLUE HADES. Permanent transfer of employee to Human Resources recommended.

In spiky handwriting: Upon investigation, entertainer previously unknown rogue BLUE HADES. Transfer of employee to Counterintelligence recommended.

Sticky note: BLUE HADES now requesting more information on “cats,” confirm or deny cats' existence?

61:

Dear employee,

In view of your recent disciplinary hearing in respect of :-

1. Dissecting a demon in public: It is noted that such drastic action was taken in order to "recover top secret documents from the belly of the beast" - Which whilst indiscreet, is not an entirely unreasonable response.

2. Failure to submit a report in a timely manner: It is noted that you have failed to submit your report on the grounds that "The Demon ate it" - Whilst such occupational hazards are not rare, it rather does raise the question of which came first?

After due consideration it is my pleasure to inform you that we are giving you the benefit of the doubt in respect of both disciplinary points 1 and 2.

Unfortunately, undeclared time-paradox events are a serious matter and as such you are to report to HR at 08:00 yesterday for a full disciplinary hearing!

62:

Inappropriate use of causality violation technology to have a lie-in.

63:

Unauthorised use of shoggoth-specific geases in an attempt to mitigate seasonal rhinitis, resulting in the animation and subsequent infestation of the canteen by discarded facial tissues.

-- Steve

64:

Used entropy-consuming infovore as heatsink in overclocked personal computer.

65:

Unacceptable number of bees.

66:

Employee solved Traveling Salesman Problem in support of daughter's Girl Scout cookie sales campaign, resulting in sales of over 10,000 boxes but violating ministry policies on use of office computing equipment for personal business, higher level computational functions, and summoning of Elder Gods in an unsecured cubicle bay. Recommend survivor benefits be reduced by amount of daughter's sales reward prize.

67:

While we commend your sense of urgency and obvious diligence, the existing formal protocols for obtaining blood from members of the Royal Family are lengthy and tedious for a reason, and are under no circumstances to be ignored, worked around, or arrogated, especially for purposes of rituals which have not been subject to any degree of peer review.

Please be prepared to explain your benefit-cost analysis to the disciplinary hearing on the basis of your chosen means of ritual blood utilization possessing a point eight probability of afflicting all Commonwealth Parliaments with malign hyper-cognitive disorder, the median failure case, as well as the actual failure case obtained.

68:

Found drunk in charge of [Censored] while attempting to [Censored] in BLUE HADES territory. The [Censored] causing a critical shortage of lubricant. 3 dead, 2 missing.

69:

Employees may no longer conduct any operations offshore during "Talk Like a Pirate Day". The term 'skeleton crew' is not to be used literally.

70:

Violation of Inter-Agency Cooperation Policies with regards to matters of jurisdiction. Cases where jurisdiction may overlap should be referred to the Liaison Officer, not settled with a dance battle.

(Handwritten note from Mr Angleton) And if you must resort to such absurdities, at least have the good grace to win. I have to spend the next three days at a conference with several SCP Foundation personnel, and they'll be even more insufferable than usual.

71:

All staff are reminded that unauthorized use of issued toothpaste that results in staff injury are not covered under Public Employee Benefits Board (PEBB) and mandatory Human Resources investigation and retrieval. Review of orientation and training with staff issued materials are required after recovery.

72:

Having tea with Cthulhu is not a reimbursable expense, especially under the rubric of recruiting new vendors. Claim denied.

73:

The Department strives at all times to be an Equal Opportunity Employer. It should be noted that The Department, and all similarly tasked security and intelligence organisations, are exempt from British anti-discrimination legislation and EU Directives (under the Treaty of Berlin) where they relate to devotion to supernatural entities hostile to the existence of the human race.

With the above in mind: Periodically entering a fugue state and screaming "Their angles will consume us all!" is distracting to other office staff and can in no way be construed as "religious observance" under the Employment Equality (Religion or Belief) Regulations 2003.

Being Sectioned and sent to a specialist psychiatric facility is not "discrimination" but part of The Department's Duty of Care towards its employees.

Employees are required to exhaust the internal grievance process via HR before attempting to take The Department to an employment tribunal.

The Department respects the right of its employees to be members of a trade union. However, disclosing classified information to staff who lack the appropriate clearance is a violation of employee obligations under the Official Secrets Act, even if they are trade union representatives who are helping the employee with the disciplinary process.

Internal customers are defined as "an individual or group that are within your own organisation." Exposing UNISON staff to horrific truths about the nature of reality, resulting in their mental collapse does not meet the standards of customer service excellence The Department expects of its employees, and harms The Department's relationship with key decision makers in the wider Civil Service.

NOTE: As mitigating information, the employee had been tasked with ISO9001 compliance duties. Due to the nature of this role employees are usually rotated out every 6 months. Unfortunately, due to a hiring freeze, the employee was left in place for 18 months. It speaks to the employee's strength of mind that they did not exhibit problematic conduct until the last 3 months of their tenure.

74:

Inappropriate use of resources and an inappropriate attempt to supplement departmental budget by selling shoggoths along with packages of grass seed and fertilizer and marketing them as live Chia pets.

75:

The use of classified documents for "inspirational material" for writing scp-wiki.net stories is strictly prohibited.

76:

Worked on a cool summoning algorithm during my vacation break in Brighton. Results: a lifetime supply of calamari and a job offer from a secret government agency. Sorry about the pier. Really.

77:

Investigation was prompted when Human Resources manager [NAME REDACTED] began to submit work of an irregular nature, to wit, employee became competent in role, external help suspected.

Investigation revealed unauthorised summoning of Shantak (codeword NOVA) to discuss disciplinary techniques, non-monetary reward scheme, and mandatory diversity awareness training.

Disciplinary hearing postponed until employee is returned. Recommend providing all staff with basic awareness of earthing summoning grids.

78:

[CENSORED] TO ATTEND HEARING AFTER REPEATEDLY BREAKING INTO CRYO-VAULT 11B WITH THE PURPOSE OF "ASKING NIKOLA TESLA'S PRESERVED BRAIN TO HELP ME BUILD A THEREMIN" SUBJECT TESLA HAS LODGED A COMPLAINT OF HARASSMENT.

79:

Use of a Re-animators workbench on an entire stock cupboard of HOG supplies and set them dancing to the tune of "Happy Feet" for "Harry the Horse"'s birthday celebration was a waste of resource.
Subsequently requiring counselling for 3 members of Facilities.

In addition our normal supplies of HOG were run dangerously low and required inadequate class 1 rat feet to be used in multiple batches, costing the department extra costs in tomato ketchup and dimensional excursions in L-space codenamed YO! RAT.

In mitigation Harry laughed like a drain for an hour.


80:

Submission of expenses claim spreadsheet with embedded Enochian geases to Accounts Department in direct contravention of Civil Service Management Code Section 8.7 Reimbursement and Compensation by Occult Means as issued under the authority of Part 1 of the Constitutional Reform and Governance Act (2010).

81:

[Employee] used the same box of paperclips for a report regarding ASEPTIC HALO and the lunch orders for his colleagues, resulting in a Class 3 manifestation in a Pret a Manger.

82:

Upon review of security footage, former mainframe technician Galvin Galbraith was discovered to in fact be a chicken under a Class 4 Glamour. Mr. Galbraith was instructed to report to the commissary for debriefing.

83:

Leaving the scene of a distressed mermaid caught in a tuna net off the coast of Okinawa, to attend HAL-CON 2014 in Kawasaki. And hence said mermaid was hauled ashore by a marine amphibious troop carrier. Later reporting that, “the marines had the situation well in hand.” All of this after going AWOL for three days while on a bender following HAL-CON.

P.S. The mermaid was deposited in a pool at the White Beach Naval Facility and became the station mascot. A week later a group from GREENPEACE rescued the mermaid under the guise of a pool party. The mermaid was released into the Pacific Ocean.

84:

Unauthorized use of Laundry resources in a failed attempt to exorcise all copies worldwide of the software package known as "GNU Emacs". Despite appearances, this software is not known to be hastening the approach of CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN, and nor is the "M-x nyarlathotep" command available in public versions of it.

85:

*Misusing official Laundry warrant card to avoid paying London congestion charges.

*Unauthorized memetic warfare research involving Electronic Dance Music.

*Summoned Bel-Shamharoth, the Sender of Eight in order to settle a bar bet for five pounds and a pint of Guiness.

*Malicious use of stationary

*Violating causality in order to correct time sheet discrepancies.

86:

Enacting 'Case-Nightmare-Green-Scorpion-Stare-Maginot-Blue-Stars' binding geas on one's spouse/partner is not, repeat, NOT a permissible domestic dispute resolution under ANY circumstance.

87:

[CENSORED]'s unauthorised downloading of Flappy Bird onto his SOE-issued Necronomiphone caused the dimensional rift that led to the now infamous Shantak Incident. (We're still apologising to Stevenage Borough Council for that one.)

88:

To supplement the traditional summer solstice celebrations of the Department for Enigmatic Archeology and Folklore (DEAF), on of our field agents supplied some fresh asparagus from the area of a suspected UNICORN infestation (said infestation turned out to be an inept forger ring trying to fraud some unlucky malakologists with fake cone snails, and may I remind everyone Field Best Practices advise against trying to listen for the ocean when on duty, but I digress). [CENSORED] was eating asparagus for the first time and was surprised by sulfur smell on toilet. Since other occupants were unable to perceive said smell (see Appendix for literature on genetics of "asparagus urine"), they denied [CENSORED]'s insistence on said smell, leading [CENSORED] to expect a CLASS 2 invocation and infiltration being in place. When [see GLOWY NECKLACE] handed out some chemical lights "for fun" (incident subject to parallel investigation), [CENSORED] suspected a high level infiltration and alarmed his line officer, who called in an external team of formed BASHFUL INCENDIARY contractors, thinking OCCULUS comprimised.

When tasered by said contractors, DEAF executives interpreted it as an assault be external forces and called in an OCCULUS team; the somewhat competent defence lead said external contractors to demand backup, said backup arriving leadf OCCULUS to do like. Thankfully, it was at this stage that the calls to backup were routed to the same line manager, who, after some contestation, found out what happened and was able to defuse the situation, though some contractors still thought it a ruse and had to be subdued by force.

I'd recommend redeploying [CENSORED] to Antarctica, but given the proximity to BLUE SKULL artifacts, maybe eductaional services need a live standin for residual human resources in some of their material?

89:

Binding level 3 intelligences into facility computers to "farm gold" is not an approved revenue plan!

90:

Given the recent influx of some younger members due to the leaking of an experimental MMORPG by Laudry's educational wing, may I remind everyone that neither tattooing the name of your sexual partner for one week on a somewhat visible body area nor binding geas with consenting partners are Laundry approved ways of "showing your imortal love"(sic).

91:

Implementing CASE RUBY VOMIT when attempting to deploy configuration management with puppet rather than the industry standard binding geas mandated in automation protocol 8.7b

92:

As a result of completing assigned work on-time this employee has three times triggered investigations into the possibility of infiltration by human and inhuman hostile forces.

(There is a reason we don't want staff to be too competent.)

93:

Carelessly used the only remaining backup floppy drive of our central policy data system, in order to "make Doom work again on an Intel 486 SX 25 vintage computer". This fact was discovered a few days later, when the last active floppy drive choose to melt in the floppy disk reader, through the central unit, the floor and all the grounds above (See case report MERCURY MJOLNIR TARTARUS)

The resulting data loss forced the board comitee to recreate from scratch the whole policy system of our beloved agency.
The sentence will not be mitigated by the 76% increase in productivity during the two weeks when all employees and agents were working without any proper guidelines.

(please pardon my English, I'm French ;)

94:

Contrary to standard operating procedure, placed a salad containing raw cruciferous vegetables (specifically: rocket and [redacted] kale) in the ice box with a DIRGE ROMANCE sample, compromising the PAWN ICON GREEN experimental protocol and giving operative J. a particularly nasty case of gas.

(PS out of all those I read, I'd pick #65: "Unacceptable number of bees")

95:

Note: This disciplinary notice in no way excuses J. for eating your lunch.

96:

Monitoring the activity of ones offspring through the unauthorized use of Destiny Entanglment protocols on civilians is irresponsible in the extreme.

The newly formed GYRODYNE PROGENITOR entity is to be assigned to the COINCIDENTAL COLONY group post disciplinary action.

97:

The terms of the enquiry are as follows:

Identify the means by which [REDACTED] persuaded two of our graduate trainees and a seconded consultant from [COMMERCIAL CONFIDENTIALITY APPLIES] plc to engage in a practical demonstration of 'intensive animal rearing techniques' (sic) on [CLASSIFIED] semisentient cephalopods.

Establish compliance with (or obtain restrospective waivers to) ethics committee approval procedures and applicable regulations, noting that the Department's retained consultant for agricultural and vetinary investigations has informed us, in frank and forthright terms, that certain aspects of the demonstration were in breach of animal welfare guidelines and the law.

Obtain a clear explanation as to how the active participants were persuaded of this course of action, with particular reference to the possibility that [RESTRICTED] was improperly used to influence or coerce these individuals.

To establish how the audiovisual equipment that was used to record the demonstration was obtained. It has already been established that this usage was unauthorised, by the individual in question, and by virtue of the fact that this recording was not a fit and proper purpose for the use of premises and equipment leased by the taxpayer.

To recover all recordings made, all copies downloaded, and all monies received by [REDACTED]'s online multimedia membership service.

To investigate the circumstances in which [REDACTED] triggered the SCORPION STARE capability of the recording equipment.

Without prejudice to this or future hearings, notice is given that [REDACTED]'s claim to have done so inadvertently will be the subject of directed and detailed questioning.

To establish a suitable disciplinary framework for the subsequent action of [REDACTED] in conducting an online auction of the silicaceous remains of the human and cephalopod participants as 'a lifesize sculpted erotic tableaux suitable for a secluded private garden'.


98:

Misuse of Departmental resources and breach of Inter-Departmental Protocol during attempt to exorcise evil spirit possessing the Secretary of State for Education. Advised to retake Introductory Training Module 'Sometimes It Doesn't Need A Demon: A Guide To British Politics' before full disciplinary hearing.

99:

Handing out copies of "The Complete Guide to Shuggoth Sex" is not approved use of Laundry equipment.

100:

Financial Malfeasance: Effort to register one (1) marine iguana ("Mr. Darwin") as DANUBE CROSSING Defector with time and a half pay.

101:

Act 2 of "The King in Yellow" is NOT on the required reading list for new inductees.

102:

In an apparent prank, the employee convinced a "D&D LARP" group that what was considered to be a dead cymothoan was "the Other Head of Vecna", resulting in two near-fatal self-inflicted injuries amongst other employees and an actual fatality when the creature turned out to still be alive.

Despite the employee's insistence, we also fail to see how a gazebo - in which the isopod was placed - constitutes a lampshade, or how this could possibly provide any mitigation.

103:

Employee chose to sneak a friend interested in cryptography in to view the Reality Binding on a particularly dull wet Sunday afternoon. While, fortunately, the Adams hypothesis was correct (and the universe was indeed replaced with something even more bizarre and inexplicable), this DOES NOT HELP.

104:

Employee has clearly failed to test the alterations to Homotopy Type Theory they proposed outside office hours. Thankfully, we worked out before anybody else made an attempt that they render it impossible to carry out any mathematics whatsoever without summoning mind-rending horrors.

Even more thankfully, this means there is no constructive proof that all other foundations for mathematics are equivalent. Unfortunately the research demonologists handling this case appear to be suffering from accelerated Krantzberg syndrome, and the only word we have been able to extract from them on the cause is "existential".

The Black Chamber assure us that they are already familiar with such risks, as a similar incident occurred in Pittsburgh 20 years ago.

Recommend that the employee be required to perform all future programming tasks in a dynamically typed language. We consider it safer to admit "summon Cthulhu" as a proof than as a property to be proven.

105:

1. Created faux tremors for the purpose of deceiving the Ministry.

2. Requisitioned the designated Operation: CTHONIC IRRIGATION to investigate the causes of said tremors.

3. Utilised Operation expense account to fund the development of amusement park based on the fantasy works of [REDACTED], in volation of trade agreements with the archons of [WITHHELD].

106:

"Two Girls One Cup" is NOT surveillance video of a demonic entity exchange between possessed persons. Please stop telling the new employees that they have to watch it as "training." It wasn't funny the first time.

107:

Use of basilisk cameras is not appropriate for personal Zen rock garden, no matter how much your wife's chihuahua annoyed you.

[Just to make it clear, I am not entering the competition, just participating in the fun.]

108:

Employee [REDACTED] carries significant undeclared gambling debts, incurred while attempting to use Weather Service resources to improve odds at Kempton Park.
Addendum: [REDACTED]'s failure to win should be referred to investigatory committees BLIND ORACLE and ASTUCIOUS EQUINE - Angleton

109:

Please stop trying to adopt Haskell programming techniques to High Enochian at once. We are told that if you mispronounce "monad" you'll wish you'd been speaking English: our source has first-hand experience and tells us that monad transformers become truly terrifying.

110:

Uploading SCORPION STARE software to the White House press corps video cameras was a serious violation of protocol, a serious diplomatic breach of etiquette, and an extremely useful contingency option. All involved have been severely reprimanded, then promoted.

111:

1. Subject [REDACTED SUBJECT NAME] entered native language training for BLUE HADES on 2014/03/25 and subsequently commenced ongoing independent study refresher exercises prior to advanced course entry expected in Q4 2014. Refresher consisted of independent study translation of literature of [REDACTED SUBJECT NAME]s own selection into BLUE HADES native language.

2. In independent study refresher status update, [REDACTED SUBJECT NAME] indicated he was working to translate "...several classics of speculative fiction literature...".

3. [REDACTED SUBJECT NAME] took a previously scheduled summery holiday break to Brighton on and around 2014/06/12

4. On 2014/06/18, a normal treaty status meeting with BLUE HADES conducted at [REDACTED LOCATION]. Meeting proceeded normally, with approximately standard number of new and continuing issues.

5. Following formal close of meeting, BLUE HADES produced butter and forks and asked for volunteers. Negotiatons team retreated slowly without casualties.

6. On 2014/06/20, [REDACTED SUBJECT NAME] was caught in building exit mantrap fleeing shortly after internal security sensors detected gamma ray burst inside workspaces.

7. [REDACTED SUBJECT NAME] was found to be carrying a copy of "To Serve Man" tucked into his jacket pocket, along with several items of personal electronics.

8. A human body subjected to SCORPION STARE type device of uknown origin was found inside office complex. Body was subsequently identified as [REDACTED COWORKER VICTIM].

9. Subsequent investigation of [REDACTED SUBJECT NAME]s Android phone located unapproved TCL interpreter and code installed by [REDACTED SUBJECT NAME]. Code was eventually reverse engineered and found to trigger SCORPION STARE effect using phone front and rear cameras, [REDACTED SUBJECT NAME] glasses, and an eyeball-tracking algorithm on the rear camera for point targeting. Combined configuration rated as A1 possibility for future field use by agency and transferred to R&D.

10. [REDACTED SUBJECT NAME] admitted under questioning that he had lost a personal PDA containing working translation of "To Serve Man" overboard from sailboat while on vacation.

11. [REDACTED SUBJECT NAME] admitted also that [REDACTED COWORKER VICTIM] caught them trying to remove the book from their desk, and that [REDACTED SUBJECT NAME] had paniced and employed their "Private Lava Blaster" app.

12. Note: Senior staff are attempting to identify a specific regulation for formal notation of charges regarding translation incident; however, proceedings will proceed anyways under general rule that failure to act would be contrary to our species' survival.

13. Implementation of DARE SQUIGGLY protocol initiated. Consumption of garlic, onions, and wearing of vanillin-containing perfumes are now banned from BLUE HADES encounter situations. Blood testing for excess MSG levels required prior to contact. Research data from BLUE HADES taste sensitivity testing (see YELLOW BONGWATER) to be data-mined for further precautionary measures.

112:

[REDACTED]'s inappropriate use of work time coding "killer app" using GLASS ROD GOLD 9-dimensional tesseract for express purpose of creating "real, working X-Ray Specs". Furthermore, multiple reports of said application being used to observe female co-workers "sans clothes" (or skin, musculature, or nervous systems) clearly violates sexual harassment policies and possibly standard sanity review procedures.

113:

Misuse of Laundry resources, including (but not limited to):
  * (5) HP-style ink jet toner cartridges (#140 black ink, C6656AN)
  * (2) Bottles of conductive ink (500ml each)
  * (1) Diamond-tipped pen (glass-etching type)
  * (1) Conference room table (faux wood top, medium length)
  * (6) Pigeons, medium-sized (removed, without permission from Property Management, from rooftop coop)
  * (1) Class 3 daemon, imp type (lesser Hell Dimension #23, sidereal plane Alpha-5-Gamma-12)

Using the above components [REDACTED] did willing attempt to enter into an infernal contract with said daemon. Offer to exchange the souls of "lame boy band" "One Direction" for resurrection of "arse-kicker" "John Bonham" violates standard operating procedures for working with extra-dimensional entities (EDEs).

That [REDACTED]'s intention was to reunite the band "Led Zeppelin" for "one last blast before it all goes to shite" prior to CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN is also not an acceptable explanation.

Cost of pigeon blood removal and replacement of faux wood table top will be deducted from future pay.

114:

Utilizing coins enchanted with "Return to Spender" binding is not an acceptable method of payment for mass transit systems.

115:

Final reminder: Shoggoths are NOT -- REPEAT, NOT -- an acceptable substitute for fake "coffee stains" or "vomit puddles". Any further incidents shall be dealt with in the harshest possible terms.

Harshest. Possible. Terms.

116:

[REDACTED]'s efforts to claim "universal & omnidimensional" copyright over the works of 16th Century occultist John Dee, using a company-issued printer placed inside of a Class 4 trans-chronic pentacle, are hereby null and void. As are [REDACTED]'s pronouncement to being "the God-Emperor of All-Time and Space".

Mandatory psych evaluation scheduled for Thursday.

117:

I don't care if it is "easier to verify the count": stapling every paperclip from your pod onto the cube walls in the form of a Lesser Summoning Circle is not a valid strategy for fastener audit compliance.

118:

The "Abyss Staring Contest" posted in the break room last week has been cancelled. Any attempt to reschedule it will result in offender(s) being reassigned to "Human Resources" staffing.

119:

Management would like to remind all staff that the complementary orange juice dispenser in breakroom A2 should not, under any circumstances, be used for the transportation of hyperintelligent amoeba. The fact that you plan to "bring it right back" does not qualify you for an exception to this rule, which is in place to ensure the hygiene and cerebral integrity of your fellow employees.

120:

Health and Safety Notice: calling it a "Color Out of Space" does NOT make said entity any less dangerous than calling it a "Colour Out of Space". You have been warned.

121:

Notice to All Department Heads: use of Quantum Gnomes to "manage" your respective budgets is strictly forbidden by policy. Any budgetary paperwork registering excess quarks (> 5e12 particles per cubic centimeter) will be returned for "necessary and proper changes (in this dimension)". Furthermore, use of charms, enchantments, geases, or trans-chronal workings to "redistribute" or "liberate" funds from other departments will result in reassignment to "Infernal Accounts Payable".

122:

BRITISH SECRET SERVICE DIVISION
SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE
Q BRANCH
V
[REDACTED]
1. On 19 May 2014 the Disciplinary Committee considered the following charge against the Respondent:

That, assigned to the Bureau of Information Services and whilst in practice at the Desktop Support Unit you

(a) on or about 6 January 2013, knowingly violated our Authorised Equipment Use Policy and created a public "Minecraft" server using Laundry computing resources. This server also contained "mods" and "plug-ins" you wrote, that allowed players to build non-Euclidian structures inside the game environment. Please refer to Appendix (C)(iii) for the [REDACTED] incident report and after-action reports.

(b) between 6 January 2013 and 6 March 2013, proceeded to again misuse Laundry computing resources by repeatedly posting profane and offensive comments on Minecraft tutorial videos uploaded to YouTube by "stampy", in response to the previously mentioned incident.

(c) on or about 2 March 2013, defaced many departmental LaserJet printers by changing their status messages from "Ready" to [REDACTED - CLASSIFIED IVY GLADIUS]. You had previously been sanctioned on 14 August 2011 for reckless and irresponsible use of Enochian script, this incident is hereby noted as your second violation.

(d) on 4 April 2013, violated our Weaponised Technology policies by attempting to remove a [REDACTED], [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] from the Secure Storage facility in Building 14-B, to assist your daughter in her efforts to "build a kick-ass science fair project".

(e) on 26 May 2013, physically attacked the vendor representatives and their senior consultants during a Stakeholder's Meeting to discuss the proposed migration of our Human Relations Information System to PeopleSoft. As was covered in the Incident Review, the proposed system does not contain "source code contaminated by the minions of Nyogtha".

AND THAT in relation to the facts, you have been guilty of disgraceful conduct in a professional respect.

2. The Respondent did not attend the Hearing. The Respondent was represented by [REDACTED]. He has been in correspondence with the Comittee and its solicitors. He is aware of the hearing date and has indicated that he does not propose to attend, and has delegated handling these matters to his representative.

3. The Committee has paid particular attention to the lists of aggravating and mitigating factors contained in the Disciplinary Committee Guidance. It has concluded that the aggravating factors in this case were that the Respondent’s actions were due to a lack of grade-level appropriate work.

4. The Committee is required to consider the appropriate direction to protect the welfare of staff, maintain public confidence in the profession and declare and uphold proper standards of conduct. Taking into account all the circumstances, the Committee has concluded that the Respondent shall be placed on a nine month Performance Improvement Plan. Further, if the Plan is not completed successfully, the Committee recommends the Responded be transferred to Post-Human Resouces as the proportionate sanction in this case.
DISCIPLINARY COMMITTEE
19th May 2014

123:

Commendation awarded: [Redacted], Building and Ground Maintenance Dept. Manger, for successfully completing Fiscal Year 2014 10% under budgeted costs for water and sewage disposal.

Disciplinary Note: [Redacted], Building and Ground Maintenance Dept. Manger, while admirably achieving budgetary savings and making his department finish the year under budget, it is inappropriate to utilize a dimensional portal to transfer all raw sewage from Laundry facilities to major political party offices worldwide. Using the excuse is that they are all full of shit anyways is not acceptable!

Note: finding a way to modify the system to dispose of said RS into an appropriate venue (i.e. unused Soviet Era military complexes from US and Russia) might be an acceptable way to permanently reduce costs.

124:

Failure to anonymously denounce co-worker to ethics department for inadvertently telling the truth to parliamentary oversight committee.

125:

BCCing emails to addresses outside of this universe is a violation of department electronic communication etiquette, and risks embarrassing us all should extradimensional incursions result from the careless forwarding of lolcats to Hastur.

126:

Employee called in HazMat (Level 3) on code Azure Obsidian Watchtower to clean the microwave in the break room without also contacting the appropriate exorcist support team. In addition to breaking said microwave, structural damages have rendered the break room and adjoining restroom facilities out of order until they can be properly synchronized with their proper time stream. See memos dated 20.6.2010, 20.6.1990 and 20.6.301,220.

127:

Employee substituted a geas of non-being into the Ti-83 programmable calculator of ol' Smythe Cooper from Interdepartmental Assets Accounting; in the place of the expected duplication charm which usually resided there.

The expected effect when said calculator memory A option was select would have been reprehensible enough, and are the subject of disciplinary proceedings 5/3/145/2014, but events that ensued when Smythe instead used it in "The Blue Garter" has resulted in three weeks of nugatory effort, the expending of several quads of energy and the exceeding of the departments entire entertainment budget to recover a Miss 'Honey Buns' from the neither dimensions (Croydon).

128:

Ubfortunately, comment #1 is horribly similar to my isea.
Unauthorised cobined used of a HOG + a class 3 Glamour to imitate a VIP with a "Medallion Pass" to enable free travel on all of Britain's railways.

Never mind.

129:

Complex numbers are not acceptable submissions for departmental budget estimates.

130:

Visited an unsecured hospital to have Class 4 Ward removed from anus (after 'slipping during an experiment'), then summoned a Dimensional Shambler to steal evidence of the event stored in the hospitals 'Butt Box' (usually humorously circulated at the hospitals Christmas Party).
Said entity was intercepted by nursing staff and treated as a burns patient with severe dementia until eviscerations commenced ...
Subsequent dismissal of entity, containment of scene, and witness memory alteration has consumed department Plumber Intervention budget for the next 4 years.

131:

Employee Y was discovered to have rewritten key parts of our accounting system in LOLCODE, in clear violation of official Laundry coding standards which mandate use of ALGOL.

While less serious that previous occasions where employees experimenting with TECO or Brainfuck unwittingly struck the keyboard in a way to create code which awakened sleeping entities and caused the ASR-33s to become carnivorous, it was still unfortunate that several members of the code review panel are extra-dimensional entities which view kittens as ancient enemies, and they had be restrained.

Y is now required to attend mandatory diversity training, and an MSCE in Visual Basic 3 as a penance.

132:

Employee: [Censored]
Offence:

1. Hiding the toilet paper and replacing it with photocopied pages of the Necronomicon for an "April Fools Day prank"

2. Using the wrong photocopier to copy pages from part 1.

3. Multiple injuries of staff who used these pages. (Just how did this person use such soft quality paper in a photocopier?)

4. Additional injuries to the staff trying to help the injured people in the toilet.

5. The distress caused to those having to clean toilet after the so called prank.

Upon further investigation this member of staff has been found to have launched the Bitcoin.

133:

Disciplinary hearing for [ CENSORED ] in regards to:

1. Causing the death of one of Her majesty's swans.
2. Attempting to resurrect swan from 1.
3. Calling in two plumber teams for the cleanup, resulting from 2.
4: Doing all of the above-mentioned acts, on the Mall, on the busiest tourist day of the year.

It is expected that the administrative punishment will be lessened, due to valuable information on the theoretial bounds of [ REDACTED ] discovered during 2.

134:

"Because he's a brony", is not an acceptable justification for work place bullying; regardless of field experience of EQUESTRIAN RED SIRLOIN.

135:

The snitch you dug up from the styx
And then you succumbed to her tricks.
With the result being half
Of the S.O.E staff
Are compelled into bad limericks.

136:

(That's not a mangling, I'm deed-polling my name to a google URL to save time, but it's usually shortened to Nicholas Avenell)

137:

Departmental communication best practices and professional boundries guidelines; specifically preclude the use of the name of [nomenclature pending] as an expletive. This coupled with it's code word classifide status raises serious concerns about both your professionalism, and opperational security.

138:

[Redacted] was found to have repurposed BASILISK GAZE capable equipment for use in enforcing the ban on use of hand-held mobile telephony equipment in moving vehicles on the M25.

This not only constitutes a misuse of systems installed for use in case NIGHTMARE GREEN, but the subsequent chain of road traffic collisions caused the M25 to be closed for 3 days. [Redacted 2] has been given a TVM award for blaming this on "a lorry breaking down in the contraflow at J15", an explanation which the media accepted without query.

139:

As a prank, inserted a BLUE HADES spokesman into the Conservative Party Conference speaker schedule for a debate on EU fisheries policy. There was no bloodshed, but the clean-up after three constituency parties had offered him their candidacies attracted far too much attention.

140:

Instead of standard test data for zero-match Dho-Nha search, employee used description of a character from a popular children's television series. Description matched and returned MULBERRY STAR entity. Employee has since made a full psychological recovery.

141:

Summoned a dozen succubi for a stag night.

142:

Unauthorized reuse of classified code lead to the disclosure of FORBIDDEN FRUIT, a client side digital rights management (DRM) library, to the online software repository github. The library contains functions for class II binding geas, [FORBIDDEN! YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF THE OFFICIAL SECRETS ACT! Report this incident IMMEDIATELY to your assigned OSA document security commissioner, citing a violation of FORBIDDEN FRUITS and BLACK HARVEST. Failure to comply will carry consequences as listed in OSA Sec. 3, Appendix A.]

143:

Please see attached memorandum for further details:

The employee in question utilised a series of containment grids, summoning incantations and experimental sofware (please see attached itemised list) without following the standard procedure or consulting with their line manager. As best as can be ascertained in the aftermath of the crisis, the aforementioned employee sought to answer a number of riddles and conundrums for the sheer intellectual self satisfaction.

For example the attempt to solve the riddle 'how many angels can dance on the head of a pin' resulted in the summoning of [REDACTED] and [REACTED]and even an entity claiming to be [REACTED] which was a real embarrassment to all concerned. Fortunately, [REDACTED] proved to be very understanding and even forgiving and the whole mess was cleared up.

However this was undertaken during work hours and the employee in question has been given two weeks suspeded leave without pay.

This has been referred to Mahogany Row for further action going forward.

[REACTED] help us

144:

Forced reprogramming and/or elimination is an inappropriate response to home visits by Jehovah's witnesses. Correlation is not causation: being informed that "the End Times are Nigh" is NOT, in itself, adequate evidence of an actionable security breach.

145:

Inappropriate use of sacrificial livestock for the staff BBQ.

146:

We recommend disciplinary action for [REDACTED] with regard to his insufficient oversight of fifth branch's annual musical. While this event is important for morale reasons, the mortality count from last Wednesday's amateur production of The King in Yellow is now estimated at at least six hundred.

147:

Played Cards Against Humanity. Across dimensions.

148:

Employee taught the Class 4 manifestation used to run a VIOLET GLOWING OUTHOUSE bunker to GM Paranoia, but failed to explain that it is a game. Required two OCCULUS teams to evac employees present, using five tonnes of black spraypaint and "acid house" smiley masks.

In mitigation, we can confirm that nobody working at the bunker is an agent for any past or present country or party of communist leaning. We are still testing for induced mutations.

149:

Good News!
The manuscript of your fantasy novel has been cleared by Press Security with only minor edits. Your description of the SPECTRAL TOURMALINE HORMONE incident was deemed vague enough to pass with only five redactions.

However your attempt to use a Class 2 Glamour on the manuscript and query letter was entirely inappropriate. Whether or not your novel sells, it will have to stand on its own merits. Fresh copies have been made and will be returned to you, though if you choose to submit it to an agent you are required to either use the Laundry mail room, or an approved Royal Mail post box.

Due to your misuse of above mentioned Glamour your pay shall be docked the equivalent of one weeks pay.

Please report to HR Monday morning. Since you appear to like literature you are being reassigned to the night shift in The Stacks: Sublevel 3.

150:

The sacrifice of 31 virgins to Lord Beelzebub, is not an appropriated method of solving the problem of flies in the cafeteria.

151:

Employee is presenting an inappropriate number of eyes.

152:

Agent accused of "Ghost Employment" with an unauthorized ghost.

153:

Agent Shub-Niggurath accused of blatant nepotism.

154:

....the damage to the lab occurred after xxxx xxxxxx was heard to say "Hey! Watch this." Clean up and repairs are expected to take the better part of a month.

155:

Referral of senior staff as "The Great Old Ones" is not considered appropriate.

156:

In management role, attempted to outsource key business processes including the summoning, binding and containment of extra-dimensional entities to Serco.

Concerningly, in the assessment phase Serco's consultants demonstrated considerable skill in such tasks. One quipped that "business processes are just software for people anyway" and informed us that this "explains G4S".

We are launching an immediate investigation into contemporary business modelling techniques in order to establish whether any tools involved are equivalents of High Enochian. Normally we would utterly reject the idea of continuing to employ Serco - this being a matter for arms of the government less concerned with the fabric of reality - but we need a cover story for our new double agents.

157:

Employee was secretly Neil Gaiman.

158:

Attempted to cross breed award winning poodle " Mr. Tiddlywinks" with extra dimensional entities known as "Hounds of Tindalos" during lunch break. Disturbingly, efforts to miscegenate were successful. For more information, see report labeled "Hyperdimensional Furry Rug".

159:

See previous Memo @30/6.19.2014/16:04

Due to her shown proficiency with the Nyckelharpa known as "The Fiddle of Doom" it has been decided that the musician who performs under the name Veronica Blue Lake shall be "Recruited". A Haunted Hardanger fiddle has recently been acquired, and it is felt that it and Ms. Lake will make a good fit with one another. The two of them are to be transferred to Dunwich for further training.

160:

Olde Hellhound Magick Ale submitted by [CENSORED] to homebrew competition was found to contain both magic and hellhound.

[CENSORED]'s gold medal and accompanying testimonials from surviving panelists were not deemed mitigating by disciplinary committee.

161:

At this point (159 comments so far) the management would like to remind staff, that copying one’s own or co-worker’s workplace disciplinary problems, then posting it on a public accessible blog in order to win trivial merchandise in a competition organized by a so-called author, who seems to know just a little bit too much, is not an appropriate use of time and resources.

162:

Use of non-Euclidean geometry in CAD drawings for new office layout; Facilities Management team have lodged a subsequent complaint about unacceptable numbers of Hounds of Tindalos in and around the new office space.

163:

Unauthorized use of Zahn-type violin for dispatchment of mother-in-law.

164:

Disciplinary Hearing in regard of a breach of the remote access policy. 
You are required to attend a formal investigatory hearing at the above date and time. You may bring a colleague or staff association representative in accordance with policy, providing they are cleared to AZURE and are tested for possession and remote viewing. 
The matter of concern is your making remote access to the departmental network and systems following your two billion year (relative) period of torture at the heart of an evil sun during operation EGG PONY.
You will be aware that your RAS token had expired and that you are required by policy to contact Systems Administration and Security to re-synchronise and re-validate your credentials. 
If your access is found to be in contravention of policy a further hearing will be held to investigate and make judgement on the subsequent effects of your access. The case against you is that, following your access, the HOUR system attempted to calculate your seniority and pay spine position. This in turn led to a field length exception in the payroll system just before the normal monthly salary calculations. This inconvenienced many of your colleagues and required an unplanned act of alchemy without the proper risk assessment. 
Please reply to confirm receipt and your attendance. 

165:

Unsanctioned creation of an improperly guarded summoning grid, pentacle type, to impress a goth girlfriend.

Consumation of sexual acts within the said summoning grid with the aforementioned girlfriend disregarding their potential to constitute a summoning sacrifice, considering the employee was aware her partner was a virgin.

Demonic possession of the house cat by a cat-eating entity as a direct consequence of the involuntary summoning, resulting in the spawning of at least three new lolcat memes.

166:

BILLION CORPSES is not an acceptable project codename. Please choose a less accurate one.

167:

Inappropriate usage of voodoo dolls by members of mid-level management to extract peak performance from subordinates.

168:

Inappropriate alteration of inter-office phone system. To whit: Replacing the approved on-hold music in the Residual Resources department with Jonathan Coulton's RE: Your Brains.

Subject has been assigned to spend [SPRING BREAK] at Dunwhich on sensitivity training.

169:

Proposed a variant of Roko's Basilisk on LessWrong which induced a number of members to knowingly form a cult. Said cult attempted to perform a summoning to engage in acausal computing. All known members have subsequently been institutionalised after their ritual merely left a mysterious glyph behind that appears to read "YHBT".

170:

Overuse of Unicorn theme in cubicle post Operation COLD COMFORT FARM

171:

Use of CURIOUS ORANGE memetic censor wormin post operation cleanup without having filed a 27B/6 form. This is mitigated by excellent suggestions on the post operation TPS report for revisions to increase effectiveness for YELLOW iteration.

172:

Employee attempted sanction(failed) of Scottish national (CODENAME ESCHATON EGG) resulting in reality excursion requiring Hartree-Fock mitigation.

173:

from: IamnotNyalathotep@[REACTED]

To: Human&otherresources@[REACTED)

Dear all,

I have had occasion to note that there has been a number of serious lapses in the SOP of this department and since HMG frowns upon this sort of thing (especially when it tends to threaten the security of the Nation and several nearby dimensions) I have tasked myself with the grim task of personally auditing the department in question.

I'm sure we remember what happened the last time I had to do something similar ...

I will be holding a full managerial and HR briefing to discuss (amongst others) the following corruptions of the various standards and practices:

1) It is against the Civil Service Code to publicly insulate that the current Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is a Lizard disguised as a human...even if it is true.

2) I have seen the paperwork on GOOD OMEN and I am most distressed indeed. A untested summoning that resulted in a cross dimensional transfer is very alarming to me personally. (and I know about the jokes doing the rounds by the way). This entity that calls himself "The king of Hell" has proven to be a nuisance and a serious embarrassment to all. As I am given to understand he keeps trying to make deals with employees for their souls and otherwise seeks to sow chaos.

That stops right now.

Contain and interrogate immediately. If we cannot send this individual back to his home dimension then we might as well get some use value out out of him.
(perhaps a consultancy role if necessary)

Then there is the little matter of operation GOLDEN AWAKENING to consider...

174:

Now the hungry lion roars,
And the wolf behowls the moon;
Whilst the heavy ploughman snores,
All with weary task fordone.
Now the wasted brands do glow,
Whilst the screech-owl, screeching loud,
Puts the wretch that lies in woe
In remembrance of a shroud.
Now it is the time of night
That the graves all gaping wide,
Every one lets forth his sprite,
In the church-way paths to glide:
And we fairies, that do run
By the triple Hecate's team,
From the presence of the sun,
Following darkness like a dream,
Now are frolic: not a mouse
Shall disturb this hallow'd house:
I am sent with broom before,
To sweep the dust behind the door.

175:

Subcommitte for the pre-report for the filing of form NF-09-BAL, itself an investigation into the possibility of a report being filed and recommended disciplinary actions about Dr ██████'s disciplinary breaches this past few weeks.

- Dr ██████ was observed on 02/[REDACTED], leading two sheep, a tub of animal berthing lubricant and a selection of electrical appliances, including, but not limited to: Hand-held blender; Microwave; Pressure cooker and a 3D camcorder which was later discovered to have been purloined from Pinky and the Brain's lab.

Dr ██████ was believed to have been involved in independently recreating the circumstances of GINGER OVINE MAGENTA but was apprehended by Stacie from HR, who heard Dr ██████ swearing voluminously at the sheep who were trying to eat the lubricant. Dr ██████ was reprimanded by [REDACTED] and her clearance to enter Tech Support revoked.

- On [REDACTED], Dr ██████ and [REDACTED] with a monkey and [REDACTED] when [REDACTED] shaved monkey, understandably angry at [REDACTED]. Dr ██████ [REDACTED] and blamed it all on her lunch being lukewarm and "[REDACTED]". Further verbal reprimand issued, Dr ██████ laughed and shrugged off the warning, despite causing thousands of pounds of damage to Piccadilly Circus' road surface, due to the unique caustic hair of the [REDACTED] monkey.

- This past Sunday, being the Christian zombie resurrection holiday, Dr ██████ decided to imbue an articulated lorry load of Lindt chocolate bunnies with a Class Three Demon, to "see what happened" when she [REDACTED] after gaining access to Pripyat and the Sarcophagous covering what the public believe is the ruins of Reactor #4, but we know was the result of the Russians attempting to summon several Shoggoth to harness them for CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN defence.

The containment breach resulted in 16 fatalities from what Medical theorises is a mix of radiation sickness and a partial sublimnation by the Class Three Demons Dr ██████ had summoned into the Lindt chocolate bunnies and subsequently returned to various supermarkets across the EU state.

This subcommittee finds that Dr ██████ should be referred for psychiatric therapy and contained within SITE GAMMA for the foreseeable future, until such time as the Auditors can trace the final 42 Lindt Bunnies not accounted for and a trial can be held. This subcommittee also commends Dr ██████ for her actions in exposing the residual Shoggoth and her command to the chocolate bunny army she commanded to "get the bastard". This subcommittee might commend Dr ██████'s actions, but this exposing of our allies continued experiments in Reactor #4 of Chernobyl (despite direct and flagrant contravention of UN OCCULUS Convention treaty #666) does not and can not make up for her breaches of containment and the resultant deaths, the clean up and the wholescale media control required to forestall "BUNNY OCCUPIED HUSBAND AND MELTED HIS FACE OFF" headlines.

176:

Employee extemporaneously offered instruction to the Senior Director vis a vis the proper storage location of the Spear of Longinus. Said instructions contravened several internal safety protocols and were therefore not actioned.

177:

The entity known as The King in Yellow should not be confused with Elvis 'The King' Presley. Operatives should not use this as an excuse to bother Mr. Presley.

178:

Regarding your request, we all appreciate your need for a replacement laptop but these items are issued by the IT department. In the meantime, this incident may serve as a learning experience that the "mailer daemon" cannot be contained within a Dho-Na curve, nor does it pose a possession hazard to humans. The IT department will be contacting you regarding an expanded training schedule.

179:

Storage of documents and code supporting NIGHTMARE BLUE BOBBINS stored at codespaces.com - entire Amazon AWS service for company destroyed during removal process.

180:

DISGRACEFUL CONDUCT OF AN INDECENT KIND CONTRARY TO SECTION [REDACTED] OF THE PUBLIC SERVICE (DISCIPLINARY) REGULATION (ANNEX)

[REDACTED], a member of staff at Grade [REDACTED] level, on [REDACTED], while voluntarily intoxicated removed all his clothing and invited HRH [REDACTED], a member of the Royal Family old enough to give consent, to participate in an allegedly unknown fertility ritual including misapplying public property, or words to that effect at the Queen's Diamond Jubilee. [REDACTED] claims in mitigation that he thought he was under the cover of a Level [REDACTED] Glamour and that HRH [REDACTED] was intrigued by the invitation but unable to effectively communicate [REDACTED] consent due to the manner of [REDACTED]'s apprehension by police and security forces.
[REDACTED] on [REDACTED] while attending the Queen's Diamond Jubilee and acting in a disgraceful and indecent manner, misapplied [REDACTED] domestic goats (capra aegagrus hircus), black in color, belonging to the Capital Laundry Services Department of Internal Logistics, Maintenance & Janitorial Section, by removing said black domestic goats from the premises for purposes of disgraceful conduct of an indecent kind. [REDACTED] has failed to demonstrate an honest but mistaken belief that [REDACTED] had applied the property in a proper manner or acted on the order of a superior or honestly believed the order was lawful.

181:

Let's not do the time warp again.

182:

While surveillance of selected appropriate subjects is indeed a part of the employee's assigned workload, monitoring the dry cleaning expenditure and clothes-washing habits of the entire department is well outside the defined parameters of said workload. These files are to be turned over at once.

183:

Hi Reddit. I am a computational demonologist at Her Majesty's Occult Intelligence Service. We are currently preparing for an incursion of eldritch horrors from beyond spacetime over the next few months, which may well result in the annihilation of or civilisation, and indeed our species. Ask me anything!

184:

1) Flagrant disregard of the information security and safety regulations concerning office equipment. Specifically:

1a) INFOSEC - Multifunction photocopiers are prohibited for use with anything other than text-only material below RESTRICTED., apart from the HR staff who may also use them for CONFIDENTIAL - (STAFF, PERSONAL or MANAGEMENT) marked documents (likewise text-only apart from staff ID photographs).

1b) SAFETY - graphical images of ANY kind must only be copied by analogue photographic (chemical, electrostatic or photomechanical transfer) processes due to the theoretical (until now, at least) risk of digital compression/signal processing subtly distorting the image, leading to unforeseen effects.

2) Removal of protectively marked equipment from a secure area without authority.

2a) The misappropriated "French Curves", though obsolete, were still marked SECURITY and should not have been used without authorisation. Especially not for the production of "abstract art" intended for public display.

2b) Misuse of Enochian text examples and 'Q' division custom fonts (themselves protectively marked) and public display of the resultant designs.

3) Misuse of HMG property for personal gain.

3a) The MFD used to copy the finished artwork was irrevocably damaged and required exorcism followed by secure destruction and burial in a guarded landfill.

3b) The entire paper and toner stock in the copier room was contaminated and likewise had to be safely disposed of.

4) Endangering public safety.

4a) The artwork applied to the bass drum appears to have created a single-shot transfer portal. Fortunately it was (a) confined to this universe, (b) short range, (c) only acted on the drummer (who was fished, relatively unharmed, out of a pond thirty miles away - he believes this was a hint from his dealer to pay up on time in future) rather than cutting a swathe through the audience, and (d) the EMP on activation melted the drum kit and destroyed every recording device in the building. (This has been blamed on a flashover in the local substation.)

4b) Power surges into the National Grid.

4c) By chance, the rest of the artwork proved to be harmless, but was collected and securely destroyed since rearrangement of certain parts of it could cause very serious results. e.g: <redacted>, <redacted> or worst of all <redacted>.

5) DSS Angleton has taken notice of the aforementioned and you will report to him for debriefing immediately after the disciplinary meeting is concluded.

Sgd. _____

185:

As a reminder to everyone, there are no circumstances in which profiles of Residual Human Resources should be posted to [REDACTED] or other dating websites. Last year's Valentine's Day fiasco should be lesson enough for everyone.

186:

We must again to call attention to [Redacted] inappropriate attempts to contact intelligences Class 4 or higher. This is the third incident after "attempting to wake the internet" and the series of attempts to invoke a Church-Crowley oracle. It is the belief of this committee that [Redacted] may still be suffering after-effects from exposure to the "Yudkowsky box", see [Redacted] and [Redacted].

In light of this we must recommend [Redacted] be classified as an OCHRE FAUN risk and contained following Protocol WACHENDON. Additionally, we strongly suggest retroactively upgrading [Redacted] to SIMURGH status.

187:

It is difficult to take a threat to reality seriously when it has been classified THROBBING SHAFT. Please remove those words from the random codename generator.

188:

Use of Dho Nha topographical lensing to project any lizard back into our dimension at billionfold magnification is a Class 3 violation. Discipline will be administered using NOODLE INCIDENT methodology.

189:

Invocating a hound of Tindalos with Laundry equipment for coarsing is misappropriation of workplace material and illegal under the 2004 Hunting Act. Also note that most likely it's not just the rabbit that is proper fucked.

In other news, thanks for solving the local rabbit problem by eliminating said problem's ancestors.

190:

Employees are reminded that the book "A New Kind of Science" has been added to the destroy-immediately list created subsequent to incident ETERNAL GOLDEN BRAID. Said book actually describes a very old kind of science.

Disciplinary action in this instance is redundant. Funeral and welcoming party to be held next Monday.

191:

IT SysAdmin:

Found group of Laundry employees using [REDACTED] ([REDACTED]) 8 on their laptops, phones and tablets in violation of procedures for acceptable software use in areas subject to eldrich contamination.

Executed containment procedure for Aleph-Class malevolent posession.

Found to have improperly implemented OH-SHIT Procedure part 4.

Attempt at implementing a lasting protection from this threat was stopped by line manager.

Had to attend Training on Advanced Firewalls and Fire Containment as a result.

(see attached)

Notes:

A lead box with 2" thick walls covered in Enochian containment runes and surrounded by a Dho-Nha containment circuit is NOT sufficient for electronics exposed to Aleph-Class malevolence!

Misusing RIPLEY to re-target 10% of the world's nuclear missiles at One [REDACTED] Way risked violating Laundry policy NOT THAT ONE and/or enslaving the human species! (TLA Systems may have had some protection from that particular abomination through their connection with DEEP SEVEN, but Laundry Policy is to avoid situations where the least evil of the available options is to enslave humanity).


Procedure violated:

Operational Hazard - Supernatural Horror Interface Termination:
(When goats are inadequate as a sacrifice)

1. Temporarily disable electromagnetic interfaces and then ambulent interfaces with brief exposure to Basilisk Gun, or by uploading SCORPION STARE to surveillance cameras. Speed is essential, and faster vectors must be stopped first.

2. Finish decommissioning ambulent interface/vectors with one minute and 6600 milliseconds of Basilisk exposure, making sure to include the entire head, torso, and ALL limbs/tentacles/extensions/spills/fragments/pieces. (The high carbon content of Human Resources makes this sufficient to rule out further computational activity. Avoiding this step and attempting to use the vector as a Former Human Resource has been shown to be far too dangerous.)

3. Complete initial containment of electronic devices/vectors with Basilisk exposure as per ISO Standard (1000 seconds per device on a 666ms on / 334ms off cycle to avoid overheating of Basilisk circuitry)

4. Due to the low carbon content of electronic devices, reliable decontamination cannot be achieved with Basilisk exposure. Successful decontamination involves both heating past 3,000K and complete disruption of all molecular bonds, preferably followed by dispersal of all remians in gaseous form. This is most reliably achieved by the application of sufficient CTF/N-Stoff to remove all visible signs of the devices, any tools/tongs used to manipulate their position, and anything they have rested upon. The Pentafluoride is an acceptable substitute, with a Plasma Torch being marginal. Lesser attempts at disposal, such as immersion in molten steel or bronze have been shown to be insufficient to completely disrupt computational entanglement.

NOT THAT ONE Policy:
Management IS aware of the saying that Cthulhu can only be fought with another Cthulhu, but, contrary to popular belief, it IS possible to compare Aleph-Class entities both in general malevolence, and in specific hatred and desire to harm humans. Regrettably, [REDACTED] is the highest yet detected on both scales. Therefore, actions which risk manifestation of [REDACTED] are absolutely forbidden, as [REDACTED] makes even Cthulhu seem positively benign.

[REDACTED] is an informavore, and, therefore, exposure to large entropy bursts (eg. "Take off and Nuke it from Orbit. It's the only way to be sure") is SEVERELY contra-indicated as a containment technique.

192:

Several points should be made about the employee commissary and Wednesday's little surprise.

First, no matter how unappealing one's food may be, "Kill it with fire!" is not an appropriate form of complaint nor does it convey the level of professionalism we hope to maintain in our workplace.

Secondly, our best practices guidelines strongly encourage positive identification of potential threats; even when a coworker cries out in surprise, attempt to verify your target before, not after, discharging [REDACTED] or similar measures. Prudence is particularly appreciated around the office, where hazards may be expected to be properly marked.

Thirdly, we expect to have the commissary back in working order Monday. Thank you for your patience.

193:

Employee is required to attend, for the 2nd time, the class "Computer science and summoning 101", after causing a minor infestation in a local cluster. The employee was implementing a variant of the second Church-Howard isomorphism on a non-approved platform with the excuse "But in Haskell there shouldn't even be any I/O". Employee has also had a stern talk from resident expert Mr. Peyton Jones[1].

[1]. Mr. Peyton Jonas has had connections with The Laundry for several year after an incident during his early work with monad theory. See case RED LAZY STATE

194:

Saturday 12:30am

Used department computers to distribute (bit torrent) material banned under The Obscene Publications Act 1959 Section 5 Inter-dimensional material(redacted).

Specifically he released "Ho Ho Ho Kringle cums to town" and "Zombie Fuckers" on bit torrent using the department servers.

This is his second offence. Having a public servant make and distribute pornography using department resources reflects poorly on the department. The dialog reflected poorly on his 'acting' ability.

195:

Friday 17:30

Used organisation computers to mint a 'cryptid' currency.

196:

Matthew has flagrantly disregarded the safety of his workmates and the nation on at least three occasions by :
a. Drawing triangles (in public) where the (internal) angles sum to more than 180 degrees.
b. Drawing triangles where the (internal) angles sum to less than 180 degrees.
c. Using the 'wrong kind of angles' when providing directions to members of the public.

I suspect his is angling for termination.

I recommend sending him on the "Multidimensional geometry for Managers and Team Leaders" course and getting him into the field (where his wishes will be fulfilled with extreme prejudice).

197:

Use of the occult semiotics video filter is restricted to enhancing material prepared for Her Majesty's government, not "Souping up an X-Factor audition tape for a mate." Even if the performers are wearing Union Jacks.

198:

Final Report of the Discipline Committee of the outbreak on 19/6/14. Classified SYCO IDOL PHILLIP

Officer Rupert Smythe was tasked with providing the entity type SYCO IDOL PHILLIP, with the sacrificial tribute that has been mandated from ministerial level. It is not our place to consider the wisdom of sacrificing true musical talent every quarter to continue to pop-music and a positive trade balance.

The proffered excuse of "I was delayed after the chavs took to the streets, well oiled after we lost the footy" was not considered acceptable, particularly after cctv footage of Officer Smythe in the public house 'The Black Swan' drinking 12 pints of lager and singing and swearing throughout the match were shown. This panel considers it more likely he was, himself, too inebriated to carry out his duties.

It is pure luck there was not a major leak. SYCO IDOL PHILLIP was about to transform and rampage but his wife mistaking the signs for a migraine called the doctor who is a Laundry-aware operative. He managed to awaken someone who could bind and offer sacrifice before the entity broke loose and before the paparazzi around the Cowell estate caught sight of the SYCO IDOL PHILLIP in his true form.

We note this is the third major incident on Officer Smythe's disciplinary record. It is purely good fortune that prevented deaths in tens of the thousands of range. We recommend a full audit of his continued life and transfer to the vaults.

199:

It was completely outrageous behaviour. Well done!

200:

Crown servants and civil servants are both categorically forbidden to take part in party politics, with the exception of Central Office of Information staff specifically directed by their line manager to take directions from ministerial Special Advisers. Accessing the WhoWorksForThem database in search of "gossip" for one's personal weblog is a serious breach of civil service independence, the Data Protection Act, and our duty of confidentiality in respect of the Human Rights Act's guarantee of a right to private life.

It is accepted that more than one of the subjects involved is not, strictly speaking, human. However, not only do legal persons (e.g. corporations) enjoy certain legal rights, you are reminded that Octopus vulgaris is the only invertebrate that enjoys legal protections in the laws of the United Kingdom, as a result of then Home Secretary Michael Howard's 1992 order-in-council amending the Animals (Scientific Procedures) Act 1986. In this case, you appear to have erred on both counts.

201:

'Inappropriate use of HR employee evaluation forms in public competitions.'

202:

While on detached duty with Historic Scotland, carried out an unauthorised summoning at Ninestane Ring which returned William de Soulis to Hermitage Castle.

You will not believe the paperwork involved in providing a vat of molten lead in the 21st Century.

203:

Alleged offence:
Interfering in Human Resources extended internal promotion procedure.

Details of alleged offence:
On 18/4/2001, Computing Officer II, Information Technology Robert Howard attended the first session of Introduction to Applied Occult Computing 104. Also in attendance was Clerk I, Accounts Payable Frederick Ironsides and Linguist II, Computational Enochian Peter Greengrass.

Clerk I's performance has been negatively rated for the last seven years since hiring, for insubordinate conduct, basic incompetence, and security breaches (ref. attached personnel file). As Clerk I had exceeded the extended allotment for Individual Retraining Expenses (IRE), Human Resources Unit decided to promote Clerk I to Security I. Paperwork had been submitted through channels to Counter Possessive Unit, who had requested an Internal Qualification Exercise (IQE) for Computing Officer II for possible promotion to Field Officer I.

Instructor IV, Demonology Dr. Hans Vohlman constructed IQE parameters according to Clerk I's psychological profile. Instructor IV created IQE specifically to induce Clerk I to willingly yet unknowingly undergo metabolic transformation needed for promotion to Security I in the standard fashion. Said transformation would comprise the scenario for proposed IQE for Computing Officer II.

During the session on Wednesday, 18 April, Linguist II warned Clerk I that certain parameters of IQE were "not something you want to fuck with" and to "keep [his] hands in [his] pockets if [he cared] about [his] family". As a result, IQE events did not occur as planned.

Results of alleged offence:
Instructor IV must design a new IQE around Clerk I, or modify Clerk I's memory to remove Linguist II's interference.
Computing Officer II and other staff must attend another day of training, keeping them from regular duties.
Computing Officer II may not be able to join OGRE REALITY, jeopardising operation.

Proposed corrective actions:
Linguist II must attend retraining course on Informational Integrity and Security (IIS) as it pertains to Cross-Unit Relations.
Linguist II must be formally notified of the change in IRE on his file. In light of this being Linguist II's first offence, he may be informally notified of the fate of personnel who exceed allotments of IRE.


(Yeah, I'm convinced that Angleton engineered poor Fred from Accounting's demise to make sure Bob had The Right Stuff, and either didn't give a damn about Irene or felt she'd be better off without him.)

204:

Employee declined a mandatory hardware upgrade, stating that his current workstation had evolved a “semblance of character”. A Reality Excursion Response Team was mobilized and reported multiple overlapping stickers featuring a well-known feline Japanese cartoon character on said workstation's monitor prior to engaging.

HR would like to take this opportunity to remind all Laundry Capital Services personnel that any unauthorized modifications of assigned equipment including superfluous ones are strictly prohibited for health and safety reasons.

205:

-Attempting to become a living god trough the writing and publication of self-help book titled "The Principle of Belief".
-Dangerous and careless use of his classified knowledge regarding CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN for the writing of the above mentioned book.
-Wasting the time of several agents who did extensive research on the above mentioned book.
-Making up unworkable protocols in the above mentioned book.
-Unlawful acquisition of money in exchange for the above mentioned book.
*The employee will be mandated to return his ill gained profits to all agents who so demand it.
-Allegations of amnesia regarding his employment with this organizations as well as regarding his knowledge about CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN are to be dismissed.
*All extant copies of "The Principle of Belief" are to be confiscated and publicly burned.

206:

Colleagues are reminded "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity". In particular, exorcism of Members of Parliament must _never_ be attempted without written authorization from at least two officers of level D.S.S. or above. The attention of such signatories is further drawn to existing procedures for deconfliction, demarcation, and sub-contractor oversight. (Google account so A.G.McDowell).

207:

"Zombie Fight Club" is not an appropriate use of residual human resources.

208:

On June 19, 2014 16:02 DudleySmith wrote:-


Unauthorized use of Raimi-King circuit to reanimate daughter's deceased hamster. Used unsanctioned compulsion geas to stop kindergarten teacher calling police. Subsequently summoned OCCULUS team to stop fast thinker possessed rodent, which had chewed through cage and two walls to escape onto Hampstead Heath and was hunting joggers.

s/jo/bu/

209:

General advisory: do not disregard any sense of impending doom. It may be yours. Palindrome a even not, backwards anything read never and.

Safetied (unbroken, single sentence limited redaction long form) specific advisory: in view of the semiotic implications of the use of Hungarian symbolic notation in [REDACTED], e.g. using Cabal's Corollary to analyse the Wagner business in Marlowe's Faustus as an illustration of invocation/conjuration/double licence to depart may inadvertently concretise the outer plot via the comic subplot (Cabal's Corollary: established correspondence of first two of Peirce's triad icon/index/symbol, considered as user interfaces for communicating requirements to effectuating entities/"demons", to Frazer's laws of sympathy and contagion; however, no known correspondence to the third of the triad implies unconstructed and undeconstructed existence of magica incognita/Green Magic, for otherwise a sympathy could not be applied subrecursively to the correspondence itself by diagramming or otherwise), no variant of Laguerre's method may be used in any attempt to discover an unusual zero of the Riemann zeta function, whether generalised to quaternions or not, even with a pure and true functional base.

Additional risk factor: short term memory may be impaired short term memory may be impaired.

210:

All staff are reminded that software packages from alternate universes are UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES to be downloaded, let alone installed on any device, anywhere. This includes personal devices and home use, as well as Division computing resources.

Any violations of this policy will result in immediate transfer to Building Security.

211:

Due to insufficient testing prior to production deployment, site redirects crossed to form a Seal of Solomon, leading to three deaths and significant network downtime.

212:

The effective use of open source software is a laudable approach to reducing departmental IT costs.

However the release of Curses::UI::Language::Enochian to CPAN, despite the serendipitous collision with the public Curses::UI::Language namespace, is in direct violation of [REDACTED].

Not to mention extremely dangerous.

The scheduling of a lightning talk on Acme::Enochian at YAPC::EU 2013 was neither amusing nor excusable and nearly led to a class four incursion in [REDACTED].

More importantly, after examining the source code of the modules in question, it has come to our attention that the approved departmental coding standards have not been applied.

213:

1. Bringing a pet on to departmental premises in violation of health and safety guidelines.

2. Keeping an unlicensed Grue in violation of The Dangerous Wild Animals Act 1976 (Modification) (No.2) Order 2007, (section 7b, classified under the Official Secret's Act).

3. Indirectly causing the dismemberment of seven post-human resources after a lighting failure on sub-basement four.

214:

The above-named shall refrain from claiming knowledge of "OCTOTHORPE GANESH HIBISCUS", even as a joke. In this case there were no fatalities, but in the last such incident, over two dozen people suffered injuries while trying to prove they had "free will" and were not "just characters in a book".

Additionally, Mahogany Row specifically denies the O.G.H. hypothesis and orders everyone to get back to work.

215:

POSTHUMOUS PERSONNEL REVIEW MEETING NOTICE

MEETING ROOM BANSHEE

-"My kids kept pestering me for a pony" is not an adequate excuse for re-activating EQUESTRIAN RED SIRLOIN

-The subsequent incident(s) at the largest Brony gathering in the U.K. will remain sealed, due to the involvement of Dep. For. Sec. Consider yourself lucky.

-Subsequent career progression is restricted to night-shift positions only.

216:

Inappropriate dispersal of hallucinogenic drugs during CASE BIRDBRAIN ORANGE.

A related charge: misappropriation of government stationary, to whit two boxes of BIC pens, blue coloured.

217:

Honestly, it's like no-one has read Skippy's List :)

...

Statements in regard of the charges against Intelligence Officers Alice Jones and Suzanne Smith, D Section.

- That on or about the evening of 31 December, they brought alcoholic beverages into the duty office, in contravention of Departmental policy; and that they consumed them while on duty in such a manner as to render themselves unfit.

- That on or about the evening of 31 December, while acting as the D Section Night Duty Officers, they knowingly and without proper authority deployed the Special Forces Increment, specifying a requirement for four personnel for a Close Protection task.

- That on or about the evening of 31 December, they employed an operational geas upon the deployed SF Increment team.

- That on or about the evening of 31 December, they travelled and gained entry to the VIP area of the nightclub LE SALON in the company of the deployed SF Increment team.

- That on or about the evening of 31 December / early hours of 1 January, they ordered their CP team to render harmless the CP team of subject BALMORAL.

- That on or about the evening of 31 December / early hours of 1 January, they used operational techniques to restrain subject BALMORAL.

- That on or about the evening of 31 December / early hours of 1 January, they committed common assault upon subject BALMORAL.

- That during the early hours of 1 January, they illegally transported subject BALMORAL without his consent to the D Section Duty Room, thus committing a breach of sect. 1(1) of OSA 1989.

- That during the early hours of 1 January, they committed further acts of assault upon subject BALMORAL.

- That they harmed through improper use several items of D Section equipment; namely an evidence camera, the office photocopier, an workstation-grade office chair.

- That on arrival of the relief duty officers in the late morning of 1 January, that they used offensive and inappropriate language, with Officer Smith claiming that "she was going to be a Princess now, just you watch, you're for it" before collapsing and requiring medical attention.

- That through their absence from and wilful neglect of duty over the period 31 December - 1 January, that they put at risk the safety and security of the Realm.

218:

Cross-universe travel to compete in a game show is hereby prohibited. Cross-universe travel to acquire new pets is also prohibited (even if dodos are delicious and the commissary find them easy to prepare).

Our counterparts in Jurisfiction were *not* amused, and the next violator will appear on "Name That Fruit".

Not, we note, as a contestant.

219:

Not following HR Sickness policy (i.e. proper tissue disposal) and passing on demonic brain infestation to the rest of the office.

For unhygienic use of the lunch-room table for blood sacrifice. And for keeping a pen of virgin goats under his office cubicle.

Multiple unsanctioned slip-offs to 'The Unending Plains' for avoiding Performance Reviews and for temporal storage of his lunch.

220:

INCIDENT REPORT 77/D/31/M-

On [REDACTED], Field Officer [REDACTED] was assigned to provide the first tier induction briefing to the official Liaison Officer from the Black Chamber, [REDACTED]. Said posting was resurrected after the MARATHON SALAD incident, in an effort to avoid further "friendly fire" casualties. During the induction briefing, Liaison Officer [REDACTED] suggested lunch at the Squid and Crown. Field Officer [REDACTED] agreed, and lunch was had at the Squid and Crown.

While at the Squid and Crown, Field Officer [REDACTED] and Liaison Officer [REDACTED] consumed sufficient amounts of alcohol to render themselves unfit for duty. During this time, they planned an operation (hereafter designated WINTER MUTE) and executed the operation. This operation involved the following assets-

(1)One E-6 Mercury, modified for occult duty by the Black Chamber.
(2)Seven CLASS THREE Hand of Glories, two modified for direct engagement.
(3)Two liters of colloidal silver and pens for drawing Dho-Nha circles.
(4)Over eighty thousand Euros in mixed currency (Euros, Rubles, Pounds).
(5)Sixteen kilos of SEMTEX-B explosive, detonators, and assorted equipment.
(6)Disguise material as FSB security officers.
(7)Three liters of "Special A" Vodka.
(8)Two llamas. One used. One returned.
(9)Four vehicles, including one BMW M-3, one Passat, and two trucks.
(10)Nine sacrificial goats (white, long haired).
(11)Two iPhone 5S configured for occult operations.

During this operation, Field Officer [REDACTED] and Liaison Officer [REDACTED] recovered artifacts from PRIME COVALENT and aided in the escape of Field Officer [REDACTED]. Field Officer [REDACTED] is on record that without the aid of Field Officer [REDACTED] and Liaison Officer [REDACTED], a category five outbreak of BETA COVALENT would have occurred in [REDACTED]. Containment of BETA COVALENT would have required a saturation nuclear strike on [REDACTED], which would have threatened the compromise of CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN to the general public.

Upon return, Field Officer [REDACTED] and Liaison Officer [REDACTED] were debriefed by DSS [REDACTED] and events were later back-dated as Operation WINTER MUTE.

221:

Showed signs of competence in the field, inspirational leadership and personal hygiene.

Clearly is possessed by (ULTRA class) hostile intelligence.
Assume host utterly consumed.
Hold in Class 6 Pentagram, prior to hearing.

MANAGEMENT POTENTIAL!

222:

Agent left witnesses sane and uneaten.

223:

Would the individual responsible for leaving a lunchbox containing a localized spatial tear in the refrigerator please remove it, or at the very least ask whatever is on the other side to stop judging the eating habits of our employees?

224:

From: pfy@cls.gov.uk
To: ALL
Re: README - mass mailings

People! The entity RED PRINCESS POISSON is not related to any banker anywhere in any universe. It does not have any money. How do you think it would even get pounds or euros anyway? Do NOT reply to its emails. Do NOT open any attachments. Delete any messages unread.

Also, the Plateau of Leng is nowhere near the border of Wales.

Do you need me to get Bob to tell you this?

225:

Would the individual responsible for leaving a lunchbox containing a localized spatial tear in the refrigerator please remove it, or at the very least ask whatever is on the other side to stop judging the eating habits of our employees?

Pete: That can't the same box that we had down in the Facilities breakroom fridge, can it? That one's supposed to be in secure storage. It wasn't so bad that it kept dribbling snow into the fridge, that was nice in the summer, but then Randy from HR told Amy to find out where the hole went and that was the last time we saw either of them. it's written up in a report somewhere.

If it's the same box, let them know we'd like Amy back.

226:

Dear, Bob. Congratulations! I hope you and Candid had a pleasant honeymoon. The laundry never sleeps however and things were interesting during your absence but we managed to get things under control. Please start things off with sending the following appropriate messages to the pertinent work-groups.

1: Peter-Fred is a problem and you will have to do without his services while he chats with the auditors. Please notify anyone with admin access to Bosch that applying unapproved fantasy "Skins" to any games being studied and under connection to the laundry's specialized programming suite is expressly Forbidden. Especially the "Dr. Who" skin.

2: Please note the protocol for dealing with the rash of e-mails we've been getting lately headed "Attention. From the deck of our Immortal Emperor Edward the 8th." Please note each and erase after sending a single copy to the stacks.

3: Finally to all regular Dansey house employees- DOS Angleton does not, never has and never will have a goatee. If you see an individual who looks like DOS Angleton sporting a goatee, you are to assume said individual is extremely dangerous. Avoid contact and immediately notify the auditors at this safe #*************

227:

Please ignore the complete lack of editing above. I was cooking a batch of tapicoa pudding and threw this out between stirs.

228:

In wake of LOBSTER MAYONAISSE HALFBRICK we would like to remind all agents that BLUE HADES should not be brought out for "a blokes' night out with the mates at the pub, eh?" or any similar events. A list of pubs cleared for BLUE HADES is available to agents with a demonstrated need to know. Clearing BLUE HADES for pubs is not within the remit of this memo.

229:

Appeal denied.

The tribunal strongly reaffirms its previous ruling that screaming "Fuck! Nyarlathotep! Run!" at a departmental SportsBall game without an objectively valid reason to do so is in violation of laundry policy not only due to Naming an Old One, but also inciting unnecessary panic. Even if your side is losing.

The Auditors want it emphasised that anyone found responsible for causing an objectively valid reason to scream "Fuck! Nyarlathotep! Run!" - whether or not at a SportsBall game - will receive their intense and hostile attention.

230:

All staff are reminded that all foodstuffs brought onto the premises for normal consumption should be kept in their original, branded and labeled, packaging.

THAT WAS NOT TAPIOCA!

231:

Your invstigation into the phylum of the inhabitants of "The City"; London's Financial Zone, has been found in violation of safety direcitves for handling of hazardous biological/eldrich materials.

Your analysis of the DNA residues found in hellhound faeces has been classified THIEVING PARASITES.

In an unrelated note, you have been completely exonerated on the charge of releasing Class Two Demons in a sapient-inhabited area.

232:

Unauthorized use of Destiny Entanglement protocols in the application of Milgram Experiment-based motivational techniques to front-line support desk personnel.

233:

Use of GNU General Public License code in the creation of proprietary and classified Laundry software.

Attached handwritten note:

"Have some security outside. They sometimes lose it when they learn Richard Stallman is Black Chamber"

234:

Illegal experiments in non-Euclidian processor architecture.

235:

Paperclips are not suitable objects to use for piercings per division policy, and placing some of the piercings where very few else can see them is not a suitable remedy.

236:

After "No Sacrificial Goats On Premises" policy was enforced, the accused redirected the automagical termination geas so that the dark lords of SCSI now feed on the blood of the ISO Committee.

The phrase "On your own heads be it!" is not viewed as sufficient warning.

237:

Employee's contribution to "Pot Luck Dinner" has been classified THERMONUCLEAR FLATULENCE. It is hoped that at least some of the casualties may recover after a few months in Intensive care.

238:

Upon investigation it appears that it is indeed the same lunchbox, and they said they could send Amy back... but they noted that there would be "some assembly required", should this matter be transferred to HR?

239:

Recommend for addition to list of Discouraged Sexual Preferences of Agents:

Plushies, fetishism of Stuffed Animals, or individuals dressed in Stuffed Animal Costumes.

Following the recent death of !REMOVED! from Viagra and other recreational drug overdose.

Remaining is disposition of their partner, an entity of unknown type and origin.

The entity is being held in medium security detention, pending results of research into its type and origin.

It remains to be determined if it is:

1) a genetically/technically/magically modified feline.

2) an entirely magical construct.

3) an entity from elsewhen in the mutliverse.

4) other.

Preliminary evaluation has determined it is not hostile, possessed, or obviously dangerous. It is subsisting well on a diet of cream and sardines.

Probable dispositions are confinement in the Exotics Zoo in Sussex, or return to where/when it came from.

Further research is recommended to elucidate similar entities seen in a recent music video by Katy Perry.

240:

The Subject did knowingly and with malice aforethought, create a portable containment unit for a malign Class 4 entity.
The Subject then packed said containment unit in his luggage for his holidays to visit his extended family in the Antipodes.
Said containment unit was intended to be a booby trap for a vindictive uncle, but it did not survive Customs' manhandling in Canberra, Australia.
While the subject maintains "Like most things, sir, it started as an innocent bit of fun," the entity has taken possession of a body and is now operating as the Australian Prime Minister, Tony Abbott. In this capacity, it has done much to increase human misery, and removing it without exposing the Service poses several unique problems. (See "Harold Holt Affair" and the subsequent HALT HADES BLUE case file.)

241:

In gross abuse of his authority and access permissions as a senior HR Staff-Member, [REDACTED] contracted with an off-shore provider to create and maintain an online training presentation (WBT, Web-Based Training) without due process of approval and review by the relevant authorizing bodies; further mandated a large proportion of the night-watch RHR's and many Stacks personnel to take said WBT, while carefully erasing (or rather, trying to erase) records of their access, in violation of both IT security protocol and Civil Service Code of Conduct (SOE), Section 2.15.1 item (a)-3; and directed the prolonged and recurring access of said RHR's to external websites over a time-period of at least four months, in violation of Laundry Equipment Use (RHR) policies as well as Computer Resources Usage Guidelines.
The fact that the bulk of this access was to "likes competitions" on [REDACTED] and "Mechanical [REDACTED]" services on [REDACTED] is considered aggravating circumstances, as there was no semblance of operational justification to said access.
The fact that Laundry budget for FY14 through FY17 was increased by an average of 35% through these acts will not be considered as mitigating circumstances, due to the extensive legal, financial and computational acrobatics required to maintain these funds out of governmental oversight.

242:

Despite what you have been telling new recruits, one must do more than "mash that dpm+FP" to perform a field-expedient exorcism of Cthulhu.

Additionally, even if it did work, you'd break your arm - but given the preceding loss of sanity this would likely be the least of your problems.

243:

Computational linguists are to bear in mind at all times that High Enochian's overloading mechanisms are a great danger. As such, all references to Computer Based Training, Compulsory Basic Training for motorcyclists and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy should be made in full. Failure to do so is likely to constitute sexual discrimination if not harrassment.

244:

[REDACTED], Personal Secretary to [REDACTED], was caught making a paperclip chain. The resulting breach of the Official Secrets Act has lead to an ongoing audit which it is estimated will take 6 months to complete, necessitating the destruction of all existing paperclips and the serial numbering of all new paperclips to avoid interference with the investigation.

[REDACTED] to have the cost of a year's supply of bespoke paperclips deducted from their salary.

245:

Owing to the pseudo-computational nature of the game, employees are reminded not to play Magic: the Gathering at Laundry installations as the high background levels of magical potential may lead to unexpected consequences.

Relatedly, [REDACTED] is on sick leave after an incident in which we are told the phrase "Lightning Bolt to the face" did not have the intended meaning.

Any employees caught constructing a CCG from any deck based on the tarot will be subjected to immediate audit.

246:

Following the acquisition of souped-up audio equipment from an as-yet unidentified member of technical staff, succeeded in introducing a number of extra-dimensional entities to Born Slippy.

Catering are struggling to keep up with them "shouting lager, lager, lager, lager!". Measures are in place to obtain a "mega mega white thing" via asset BAD SCROOGE who claims to know a "great philosopher" and says "'E's ever so good".

247:

Upon investigation it appears that it is indeed the same lunchbox, and they said they could send Amy back... but they noted that there would be "some assembly required", should this matter be transferred to HR?

Wouldn't that be a medical thing? Figure HR's going to get into this anyway. They might want Randy too.

A lightbulb went on though. "Some assembly required" they say, and the box is really cold. You think they're the fungus people? Look it up if you need to, they're the ones who do the brain thing. If it's them they can put everything back together and Bob's your uncle.

Who's in charge of talking to the fungus guys?

248:

Persons interested in details of last week's shenanigans at the Moulin Rouge must ask management to be read in on ANTARCTICA STATION TRANSFER, and risk the results of any resulting misunderstandings.

249:

Repeatedly referred to civilians as "Muggles" after receiving his warrant card.

250:

Who's in charge of talking to the fungus guys?

Pretty sure it was Amy, so I'm gonna go ahead and pass this along to the gardener as I think he's the closest thing we have to another PLUTO KOBOLD expert on staff.

251:

A Cthulhu onesie is never appropriate office attire. Fund-raising for a major charity is not a sufficient mitigating factor.

252:

Inappropriate use of native or natural form while in the presence of normal humans.

253:

Use of the 3d projector to generate fully functioning Jaggers from a competing webcomic. Remember, no third-party stories or references are permitted here.

254:

$EMPLOYEE left controlled material ("PLOKTI: The Journal of Sorcerous Technology") in plain view on desk. Should have been locked away or returned to the library.

Addendum (in the same hand):

$EMPLOYEE claims that PLOKTI is not controlled material but a humorous amateur magazine ("fanzine"). The title is an acronym for "Press Lots Of Keys To Invoke." I examined the contents. It is rather funny, but the editors (assuming they are who they seem to be) are a bit too clever for their own good. We should bring them in before they accidentally unleash an outbreak of demonically possessed moose (meese?) at one of their "sci-fi" conventions.

I secured the journal in my desk. If this is not an Official Secrets violation, it most certainly is a Health & Safety issue. $EMPLOYEE should have known better than to leave hazardous material laying about without appropriate labeling and containment. [BH]

Addendum:

Concur — bring them in. Better if they are working for us. Ask $EMPLOYEE where we can find them. [A]

255:

Employee was discovered to have cherry-picked various modules of the OFCUT Android port and pushed them to both Google Play and Amazon App stores whilst drinking after work. Approval, QA and Sysadmin teams at both Google and Amazon have subsequently to be sworn to Section 3, and the destruction of off-site backups by both organisations is going to wreak havoc with public confidence in Android apps.

Employee was also discovered to have created a fake app which harvested end user information. Removal of the app caused the error message "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO NYARLATHOTEP" to be displayed on the screen until the handset is factory reset. OO is having disinformation spread via Google and Wikipedia (and even Bing in case their 13 users look it up)currently regarding this error.

All handsets that had downloaded the unauthorised software releases have been remote-wiped and are refusing to reset to factory defaults.

Employee is to undergo mandatory drug and alcohol testing daily and have his access to OFCUT source code removed pending review in 18 months time. When source code access is returned, Employee must "pair program" with a senior OFCUT developer and act as "Agile scrum master".

256:

255 - J Chisholm.

257:

Attempting to build a summoning grid out of sheep is not an acceptable use of department time and resources, regardless of the department in question.

Addendum: department luncheons will feature roast mutton for the foreseeable future.

258:

Pin the tail on the elder god is not a suitable activity during working hours. Especially during social events that include non human guests.

NOTE: Final penalty for above named employee will depend on whether [REDACTED] will involve an additional drawing pin and subsidiary fastening audit.

259:

Subject inadvertently created a quantum entangled gateway linking his office with the Euler-Dee labyrinthe housed in the Ikea Wembley store, allowing an ARCTIC MASSIVE entity access to level 6 secure storage facility FIMBULWINTER 12, presumably with intent to steal the Ice-9 sample held there.

Subject then contacted entity COMBUST SAGA CARNY on his own initiative, without authorisation by the interdepartmental minor deity oversight committee, and made a compact with said entity to "fight ice with fire"

The extent of water damage to offices in the sub-basement is being assessed separately.

Three pure white goats have been sourced and will be sacrificed according to RAINBOW ARCHWAY protocols on the next full moon.

Conclusion.

1) Subject is reprimanded for for purchase of pine hatstand (Gefjun), without reference to line management. Departmental guidelines for office furniture procurement are there for a reason (reference OAK WARDROBE GREEN and ARMCHAIR LUDIC IVORY)

2) Subject is retrospectively certified for Deity Transactions and seconded to the interdepartmental minor deity oversight committee with immediate effect.

Handwritten note appended: Your mess, you clean it up. Next time shop at Debenhams. > JA

260:

Google obscured my id ...

Peter Card peter.atjet@googlemail.com

261:

Employee broke the official departmental forums by announcing a flash fiction write-in contest. No action recommended as employee is now insane after reading all the entries.

262:

The use of employees with expired C/07.11.434.a Live Bait Certification during the recapture of [REDACTED] is considered inappropriate use of government property, even if said employees are from the HR department.

263:

Repeatedly referring to new environment protection rules as CODE NIGHTMARE GREEN in contexts such as "CODE NIGHTMARE GREEN is confirmed for July 1st", causing mass panic in Laundry office.

264:

#82:
> Upon review of security footage, former mainframe technician Galvin Galbraith was discovered to in fact be a chicken under a Class 4 Glamour.

"He's a chicken I tell you! A giant Chicken!"

Music: Closing theme song from Animaniacs segment.

265:

Your use of the Eye-Sear device is inappropriate. While fight club is only classification level 5, and might be excusable, your other target is classification level 10, and no one is currently authorized to authorize level 10 security clearance.

Any further attempt to investigate the noodle incident will result in your termination.

Director H.
====

"Guys, I think there's something wrong with our director. I need a tuna sandwich and a tiger trap immediately."

266:

#102:
> ... the employee convinced a "D&D LARP" group that what was considered to be a dead cymothoan was "the Other Head of Vecna"...

Tee hee! But no one would actually do that, in real life, right?

267:

#178:
> ... the "mailer daemon" cannot be contained within a Dho-Na curve, nor does it pose a possession hazard to humans ...

Tee hee. Oh, the days of old unix mail systems. And even better, when the mail daemon showed up inside nethack to deliver a scroll to you ...

268:

Improper use of company resources for personal amusement, namely cross-breeding Kurlax, Destroyer of Worlds, with a house cat in order to create (and I quote) "kittens whose eyes emanate the unspeakable horrors of the Old Ones". For the convenience of the disciplinary board, please see attached transcripts of witness statements that have been edited to remove redundant sobbing and gibbering. Employee has been referred to mandatory stress management courses.

269:

While analogies do exist between the two, attempting to get the film Forbidden Planet banned as a "covertly leaked" depiction of CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN is not proper use of SOE resources (low-probability risk, excessive cost of implementation, "Streisand effect")

270:

Submitted proposals to add Enochian, BLUE HADES script blocks to Unicode. Resultant joint operation with the Black Chamber to sanitise Unicode Consortium members and servers cost [REDACTED], suggested to be docked from employee's pay. "Interoperability between treaty organisations" not considered sufficiently mitigating reason.

[in different handwriting] A use-case for the PUA if there ever was one. Bob

271:

The Inquiry Board finds the following:

1) Around 10 Apr 2011, Laundry employee [REDACTED] ("Employee") conceived of a "reverse SCORPION STARE" system. This is corroborated by several pub conversations vaguely remembered by other Laundry employees dating from this time.

2) Employee then spent significant billable time (estimated by the Inquiry Board at around 300 hours) designing and implementing a demonological entrainment system to inject user-specified video content into every television feed on Earth, as well as traffic of every major Internet protocol capable of video transport; and a client interface to same. This was done without management approval or awareness; "it is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission" was not considered acceptable reason by the Board.

3) On 5 Oct 2011, Employee attempted to "test" said system using the music video of Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" as the payload. Employee's cursing, later attributed to user-interface flaws and poor summoning-grid management, attracted attention by co-workers, who upon realising what was happening forcibly restrained Employee from completing the test. The Inquiry Board suggests that the co-workers should receive commendations for their actions.

4) Employee's stated reason for creating the above as "improving Her Majesty's Government's ability to respond to trans-dimensional incursions" by quickly and ubiquitously distributing such images as Langford's Parrot failed to convince the Inquiry Board. The Board finds it more far more likely that the system was created for the purpose of "rickrolling" as large a fraction of the world's population as possible.

Recommendations

Employee's ingenuity in creating the video distribution system suggests a promising future in R&D. Employee's willingness to subvert oversight is deeply worrying, however. The Inquiry Board recommends that Employee be put under a mild self-inhibitory geas, required to take remedial Magic Safety courses, and transferred to R&D to begin work under close supervision.

272:

The use of Residual Human Resources for qualification of the HOV lanes on the A647 road is not appropriate use of Company assets.

273:

While the application of carrier waves to carry mind-controlling entities to viewers may seem novel, it is actually well-known to higher management, and is actually a violation of the recognized right of liberty enjoined, at least on paper, by ordinary citizens.

The excuse "But it's hypnotoad" does not excuse the application of this to rebroadcast reruns of now canceled television shows.

Equally, the use of packet sniffers to inject the carrier waves into bit-torrent feeds, along with the excuse "they were illegal anyways" is not appropriate. While most usage of bit-torrent to download old re-runs does technically violate usage laws, this is not going to be 100%, and does not authorize violation of due process.

Note: We need additional resources to recover approximately 2500 sniffers now loose on the internet. While they are not considered harmful to most users, the potential for network disruption and investigation by various networking experts cannot be dismissed. Should they discover the existence of autonomous, semi-intelligent (and trainable) data entities, we risk a bigger threat than the "digimon" crisis from a few years back. In particular, the USA NSA can no longer be dismissed as "mostly harmless".

274:

Operatives should not fall asleep while operating the THEOREM MACHINE (indeed the chemical inputs alone should make sleep impossible).

If an operative does fall asleep, and subsequently cowrites a paper with THEOREM MACHINE while sleeping, they are not entitled to an imaginary and/or irrational Erdos number without departmental approval.

275:

[Redacted] was sent on a 3 week assignment to Dunwich during which he "became bored." as such he placed, on the Marina wall a box marked "In case of kraken attack, please break glass"
unfortunately, after the celebrations held for the successful re-negotiation of the Benthic treaty, a particularly lively assiette de fruite de mer caused a visiting member of the HR diversity and ethics sub-committee to become so paranoid that he broke the glass.
[Redacted] has now been permanently reassigned to be the keeper of the Even bigger Kraken that turned up in response.

276:

Discoveries that would be enabled by effective deep monitoring and analysis of network traffic by non-occult agencies are an existential threat to humanity. However, providing deniable assets in an NSA contractor with class-2 network-intrusion and social-engineering spells and telling them to "have at it" is not a reasonable response to the problem. This is already hampering our requests for GCHQ services, dammit!

[The civil-liberties cover and Russian asylum were nice bits of misdirection, though. -Angleton]

277:

While there is little doubt that the entity commonly known as "Bacchus" is indeed quite able to liven up a party, summoning him without previously obtaining the required approval from the Minor Deities Committee is strictly forbiden.

278:

[REDACTED] translated the Necronomicon out of its native Javascript...

279:

Stephen knows what he did. We ALL know what he did.

Don't do it again, or else we'll find you a menial job keeping track of paperclips. For life.

And your afterlife too.

You were warned Stephen.

280:

Regardless of their effectiveness, SCORPION STARE-equipped cameras are NOT to be used to lit barbecues.

281:

Porn surfing on Laundry computer system caused summoning of class 4 Succubus.

282:

The Laundry does not discriminate against employees pursuing a BDSM lifestyle or using practices from the same, on the contrary the Laundry welcome s all activities that help our most valuable assets to deal with stress.

However, we wish to remind all to keep it safe, sane and consensual, and to never use safewords or commands in enochian.

283:

The Smell.

284:

[Redacted]'s attempt to use a Hero trap based on Nablakovs Lolita to seduce underage women has, not surprisingly, led to [Redacted]'s arrest. All whom it may concern shall remember to never base geases on works featureing an unreliable narrator.

285:

Hiding innocent-looking amplifier circuits in hand-numbered vintage analogue synthesizers is not an approved method of spreading knowledge about elder horrors!

286:

Trying to summon entities through the use of avant-guarde progressive rock. Entity vaguely resembled a piece of sheet music so densely packed with notes and time signature changes it was generating its own gravity

287:

The bogus Modification Instruction requiring the mandatory redesignation of the SCORPION STARE interferometer control panel from NORMAL to RARE and OBSERVE to EXTRA CRISPY, while amusing to military personnel and other field operatives, is upsetting to the civil and administrative branch. Finding the replacement labels listed in the current NATO stores catalogue and available for requisition is somewhat excessive for an April 1st prank. Especially since the maintenance staff either fell for it completely or were in on the scheme from the beginning.

288:

Employee posted several classified SOE hardware designs to /r/vxjunkies.

289:

Despite the name of this agency, attempting to use our resources filter money for legality is NOT acceptable.

Accounting, however, would like to interview you. Please speak to Ms. Summer Fiveclaw.

-- Lan, supervisor of world-crossing finances.

290:

Embedding virtual summoning circuits in the circulary reblog threads of the social micro-blogging site "tumblr.com", even though more-or-less hidden from the unsuspecting participants, is still not a Laundry-standardized way of managing extradimensional entities.

We strongly recommend that in the future such channels should be not used, especially considering the fact that in a short time, quite a few of these entities developed a deep curiosity about the internal working of the minds of those unsuspecting members of the general public...

291:

Employee was caught using departmental resources to manufacture small green pills made up from of an unknown powered substance, which pills he apparently planned to sell as a heavily psychedelic research drug to East London teenagers. Upon further analysis, the pills turned out to be chemically inert, however each had a minor cross-dimensional entity entangled with it. Several so-called "bad trips" were reported by local hospitals.

292:

Use of the quantum choice-point duplicator to make duplicates of yourself to observe quantum choice branching is restricted to legitimate research only.

Neither "Wanting to gang up on " nor "not enough time to participate in web contests" is "legitimate research".

293:

Gödel's First Incompleteness Theorem should NOT be used to create paradoxical Destiny Entanglement geas.
EVER.

294:

Employee was found partially clothed and NOT in a state fit for work, on the floor of a lavatory, with the Voynich manuscript and a half-empty bottle of KY jelly.

295:

Mitchell, yes, I've seen the new 3D printers and I do understand how they work. Three is in fact the number of dimensions in which they can print. Don't listen to everything Pinkie says.

[hand-written on Post-It note:] 3D printers? Find out what Pinkie's been saying, before he says it to anyone else. If he's thought of something clever again, make sure he writes up an explanation before going to hardware.

296:

Using a Chinese printing company to produce unauthorized version of bestseller The Secret containing the actual secrets of the universe. Death total: 73.

297:

[REDACTED] violated resource use policies when she created multiple fraudulent "personas" to subscribe and participate in the Arduino Developers mailing list, instead of performing her assigned work.

Her code-in-progress would have allowed the low-cost, scalable, distributed, and easy manufacture of devices capable of [REDACTED - CLASSIFIED GARNET LIGHTNING] to proliferate unchecked.

[REDACTED], her supervisor, intervened before her project was submitted to GitHub.

298:

(Author's Note: My Real Name is Leif Hassell... Google ID is only authorized for Computational Demonology access level 2 or below.)

RE: Level 3 Incursion / Computational Demonology Protocol violation on 14 Jun 2014

Employee [REDACTED] attempted to utilise variant DHO-HNA geometry in attempt to cure his wife's infertility. Resultant incursion designated GIGER SALAD NOSTROMO. Thirty-four civilian fatalities were incurred before incursion was brought under control by combined use of SCORPION STARE and [REDACTED]. The incident necessitated evacuation of most of Islington for a fortnight. Employee subsequently found hiding inside family saferoom.

Employee has been assigned to cleanup detail. Further actions by review committee will be determined if [REDACTED] is deemed mentally fit after assignment.

[Handwritten Note: He'll be lucky if he doesn't make it back- bloody idiot thought his saferoom was going to help during CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN. Simply being capable of constructing a summoning grid does NOT mean employees should be assigned to the Computational Demonology Lab! -Angleton]

299:

Excursions into alternate realities to retrieve Nazi memorabilia have been, are presently, and will continue to remain prohibited.

NOTE: for the purposes of this policy, the term "Nazi memorabilia" is also interpreted to include actual Nazis.

300:

Let's get this out of the way and forget about it as soon as possible. Bagpipes are musical instruments. They are not flamethrowers. (Yes, we were all impressed by the party trick. Everyone saw what happened to the ceiling, too.) Only specifically trained OCCULUS personnel should handle incendiary weaponry and then only in the course of their duties. If you feel the need to employ bagpipes you are welcome to do so on your own time. Neither one should be discharged in the office. If there are no further incidents we'll never have to mention this again.

301:

MEMO
From: UK Space Agency - Laundry Liaison
To: Angelton
Subject: "Amy"

Look, screwing around with gateways in the canteen is all well and good, but you would not believe how much trouble we're going to have keeping this one under wraps.

We've got the new 25 meter Giant Magellan Telescope segments in field test now, and what we're finding is that "Amy" is everywhere, within a couple of hundred million years of the big bang.

"AMY IS HERE", "AMY WANTS HOME", "OPEN BOX AGAIN - AMY", "VERY FUNNY HA HA - AMY", "PLEASE SEND MORE CHOCOLATES" (unsigned, but we're pretty sure it's her).

It looks like there are between 1 and 2 hundred signs written in galactic star patterns per square degree of sky. She certainly appears to have been busy and to have been at it for a long time.

Do you have any idea how much effort it will take to filter out anything resembling modern language text from the image observation systems in the telescope instruments?

Can't we just go retrieve her?

-Ace.

302:

Thank you for the note, Ace. We've been wondering where, and when, Amy had gone.

Unfortunately, our current budget does not cover travel to other galaxies. Journeying billions of years into the past is right out.

How about that professor fellow you know? Could he be persuaded to help?

I hope this can be wrapped up soon. - J.A.

303:

Employee, upon learning of CASE NIGHTMARE green behan proselytising the benefits of Atheism and even set up a display in the staff canteen, stating "If we don't believe it won't give them power!"

HR was fine with this, as we all know, CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN is horrifying and as a reaction it was somewhere between normal and falling off the deep end.

What HR wasn't fine with was his actions on 19th March 2010.

Employee, according to his notes, had decided to attempt a Class 4 portal to "force deicide on the Eldar Ones" by opening the portal above the Eyjafjallajökull volcano, causing a thick steam of lesser demons to manifest and his own demise and the eruption of said volcano, you know the rest. The public side anyway.

The volcano apparently provided the energy required to sustain the portal, that and the corpses found around the volcano in the forensic investigation. Our top computational demonologists theorise that the gibbering horrors summoned were instantly obliterated in the volcano and that there are no lasting dangers from this episode.

Whilst employee has remained in employment, he is fit for nothing but night guard, not the talented agent we had before. The delay in this report is due to the intensive investigational work required to ascertain the level of aftereffects.

We've said it before, and it looks like we'll have to say it again VOLCANOS AREN'T RUBBISH BINS

304:

Shoggoths are not, repeat NOT a good alternative to Cif

305:

Employees are again reminded that using post-human resources to re-enact key scenes from "the Walking Dead" television series is both unprofessional and unacceptable.

Additionally, the person responsible for the katana found in the commissary shall return it to weapons storage by the end of the week.

306:

Despite paperclip shortages, the use of SOE equipment to empirically verify the Banach-Tarsky theorem is strictly prohibited under section 23.5aw of the handbook: "employee is hereby forbidden from any and all attempts to violate mass-energy conservation laws, including but not limited to the manipulation of infinitesimals, hilbert hotels, space-filling curves, and fractal topology".

307:

[REDACTED] accused of abuse of residual human resources for distributed bitcoin mining; caught while trying to expand the mining pool to the off-site data center on Yuggoth. Disciplinary action unnecessary -- employee's sloughed skin has been deemed no longer capable of working.

308:

While on surveillance agent attempted to see if it was possible to summon a pizza. While initially successful, agent developed a horrifying parasite as well as three other agents who also broke policy by raiding the lunch room fridge.

309:

Summoning wish-granting entities and asking them "I wish this wish to not be granted" is considered very rude and impolite, and even if it doesn't result in reality-breaking paradoxes, it could very well cause some QUITE unpleasant reactions by said entities.

310:

There are a number of reasons why producing and selling a "Toy Summoning Grid (WITH REALLY CUTE LITTLE DEMONS!!!)" would be an incredibly bad idea.

311:

Residual Human Resources are NOT, repeat NOT to be used as audience filler for the project BLACKENED GOAT, promoting metal gigs in the London region to lure a suspected sorcerer in the black metal band Watain, out into the open and perform rituals on the stage, feeding off the energies of the audience.

The plumbers are still cleaning up the mess. RHR do not take well to circle pits, they see it as a threat and react. Luckily we apprehended the sorcerer which goes some way in your favour.

312:

Although Folding@Home seems to be somewhat more useful than Bitcoin mining, Residual Human Resources' neural networks are NOT to be used for that.

As a side note, we'd like to remind all employees that "they are just wasting their brain cells, let's make them do something useful" is NOT a valid reason to involve RHR in ANY kind of distributed computation.

313:

(BTW, the name is Massimo Pascucci. What's with those Google accounts?!?)

314:

The general public should NOT be made aware of the existence and availability of 4- (or more) dimensions printers.

315:

"Repairing" girlfriend's refrigerator caused class-3 manifestations of ancient sumerian gods inside said appliance, requiring the dispatchment of an OCCULUS team.

316:

Using time-traveling devices (or entities) to provide your younger self with information on sporting events, luck-based games and/or stock markets is strongly forbidden by company policy.

317:

The "HTML entities" mentioned in the comment form are to be typed, NOT summoned. And please stop trying to embed Javascript Dho-Nha curve generators in your comments; there is a filter for that, and for very good reasons.

318:

Incorrectly filled out internal requisition form 1426, "Request for reusable wax combustibles with one or more wicks;" line 15 (reason for request) states "to combat the infernal darkness" when policy clearly dictates that any and all requests related to combat must use forms 1754 and 1754c.

319:

"Events of a Tentacular nature" is not a sufficient explanation for missing your performance appraisal.

320:

Attempting to use destiny entanglement to keep Scotland as part of the United Kingdom.

321:

The London Underground is not to be used as a giant summoning grid, even if hijacking the control systems can successfully make the trains run in a Dho-Nha pattern. While the idea is indeed interesting, you are kindly requested to submit it to the proper R&D department and avoid running tests on your own.

322:

The remains of multi-tentacled hostiles defeated during field operations are not be sold to fish markets under any circumstance.

323:

Trying to use a spectrometer on a sample of the Colour Out Of Space resulted in a spontaneously-disintegrating spectrometer and an extremely high amount of radiation.
The expenses for lab decontamination and a replacement spectrometer will be deducted from your pay.

324:

Deliberately folding London for the purposes of commuting is NOT an acceptable use of department resources, no matter how bad the traffic is. We still haven't found Wandsworth, and expect all available assets to be occupied with clean-up through to month end (even allowing for the decision not to bother with Croydon).

325:

You know who you are, it is never a good idea to use alternate dimensions as disposal sites, the inhabitants deeply resent it! Especially do not emulate Michael Valentine Smith, tentacled beings developing lingerie fetishes are NOT desirable!

326:

Sneaking pet entities into the gaps between the zeros of the Riemann zeta function *in our own Platonic universe* is a completely unacceptable and in any case terribly irresponsible behaviour! Even if it wasn't horribly dangerous (but of course it is!), just think about how many civilian mathematicians are looking at that thing!

(note: zero ideas so far about how will we be able to clean this up...)

327:

[REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED]. [REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED], [REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED].

This is your final formal warning.


328:

Staff are reminded that the "Burn Bag" is available for the disposal of sensitive materials in an approved and appropriate manner consistent with Standing Orders, JSP 400 and the Department's green credentials.

And yes, we would like the Commercial Team back in corporate form by close of play today.

329:

A properly constructed and signed off Software Project Plan is an essential part of any well designed, tested, accredited and validated software solution.

“Quick and dirty” hacks are not a professionally approved development route in any non-CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN scenario. So, could the offending staff please modify Windows 8.1 accordingly.

330:

Anybody not cleared for OCTOTHORPE GANESH HIBISCUS and CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN should stop reading now and report to their nearest security officer.

Allowing OCTOTHORPE GANESH HIBISCUS to escape its secure holding facility. Apparently it said it was going for a nice mug of tea and never returned.

Last spotted in Florida, USA — an environment that exceeds its safe maximums for temperature and humidity — it has already managed to create a [REDACTED] enabling it to appear on a live video stream.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPQLKTcJ26s

OCCULUS teams are being prepared for deployment once territory negotiations with the Black Chamber have been expedited.

Previous leaks of OGH material have severely compromised departmental security.

331:

R&D would like to know how the hell you managed to summon and bind a Class 4 entity using nothing but a Roland TB-303.

The rest of us would like to make it clear that we never, ever want to hear it, and the Intellectual Property department reminds you that we now own all related rights to your work and have no intention of permitting you to perform it again.

332:

Staff are reminded that ectoplasm is not a suitable replacement for KY jelly. Even if it is cheaper.

333:

Charges are as follows:

1. Kidnapping an infant
2. Placing said infant in LABYRINTH type dimension, used without first filling out form 86µ
3. Use of class 3(b) glamour without authorization
4. Mass summoning of GOBLIN class entities as well as SPRITE and FAIR FOLK-related beings
5. Use of above in attempt to seduce teenage girl

334:

Your Mellotron is, if not shiny, certainly possessed of a certain kind of retro-cool. It is not, however, to be used in conjunction with "found sounds" appropriated from R&D.

[ENFORCEMENT NOTE: Arrange for the removal of said device immediately, before someone starts playing chords and demonstrates what F and B stand for before asking Lovecraft for suitable expansions of the other notes. I for one do not wish my A to be either sharp or flat.]

335:

Making the departmental Health & Safety guidelines Turing Complete.

336:

It's 2014. Even the Americans aren't going to believe diluted shoggoth excretions are beer.

337:

If Unreal Tournament was about competition between intersecting reality excursions, we would've banned it already.

338:

... Turning the disciplinary process into a trading card game.

... Whilst the data protection act was an excellent way of suppressing an extradimensional entity, using a subject access request to trap a great old one has meant that in order to retain control we must continue to uphold it in perpetuity, lest the end times come. This has committed her majesty's government to considerable overhead and ongoing expense.

339:

Binding of RED TOOTHY class carnivorous entity to Uruguayan youth. Issue only came to attention of Laundry when signed to Premier League team.

[ATTACHED NOTE] countermeasures do not seem be effective

340:

Using actual travelling salesmen under geas to solve the Travelling Salesman Problem is not acceptable under the working time regulations.

Claiming " I have discovered a truly marvellous proof of this, which this margin is too narrow to contain." in the Necrocomnicon IS NOT AN APRIL FOOL especially when leaked to Julian Assange

It is with regret that we are having to resort to summary dismissal from this realm, as his progress with solving the base summoning curve with Godel's incompleteness theor

341:

Installing Windows 8 onto HR's computers is not "Increasing productivity" especially when installed with the High Enochian language pack.

The RHR department have lodged a complaint about the lack of productivity. The RHR's themselves have filed an Employee Tribunal.

342:

Well done *applause* - you even redacted the bit about [REDACTED] and the [REDACTED] with the [REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED].

343:

Consumer grade genetic testing services such as 23andme are not appropriate for individuals with known or suspected BLUE HADES ancestry.

In related news, kudos to Peter-Fred for adjusting their DNA matching algorithm to report BLUE HADES gene sequences as French.

344:

Your request for authorization to own a pet Shoggoth is hereby denied. Please report for mandatory psychological evaluation on Wednesday at 11:00.

345:

"Basilisk staring context"?
WTF where you thinking?!?

346:

The employee in question claims to have been 'stoned' at the time

347:

Agent assigned to clear personnel to know of the existence of COCKROACH LABYRINTH is not cleared to know about COCKROACH LABYRINTH. Please advise.

348:

Re: 333 / Labyrinth: ROFL!
Very well done.

===
===

1. Bringing your daughter on "Take your children to work" day is only appropriate for unclassified departments, not here. This is a minor offense.

2. Losing track of said daughter, and her running around unsupervised is both bad parenting, and evidence of bad security. [xxx] and [yyy] from security are to report to the incident review.

3. That the daughter managed to find the computer department and the recently abused dimensional printers is one thing; that she could actually activate them is impressive. Please inform her that she has a job with us when she graduates. Note that this is not an offer, but a requirement.

4. Security tapes are very clear on what happened next. "But it's cute" is NOT -- repeat, NOT -- an acceptable reason to have a pet Naga.

===

Computer personnel: What is wrong with the security there that the multi-D printers are unguarded from harmful use? Please review all security systems. And report back as to whoever was supposed to be in charge of security and access to restricted devices.

You did have someone in charge of that, right? It wasn't "any programmer can use it at any time", was it?

Note also: This is not the first such incident -- several other printer mishaps have been reported recently. See prior incident reports above.

===

All security personnel: Be on the lookout for a Naga. Consider it potentially unarmed and exceptionally dangerous. Based on material seen on computer caught by security tapes just before summoning/printing, this Naga may be able to alter people's behavior and thinking patterns while nearby.

===
(Unrelated memo from a different department, a few days later)

Congratulations to [redacted]. Your winning essay for the writing contest was inspired, ingenious, and amazingly moving to all judges. We never knew you had any writing talents, and this was truly inspired by a muse. Please report for tests so we can verify your sanity and lack of external influence before awarding your prize.

(Sorry, this one came out a LOT longer when I wrote it up than it seemed like in my head.)

349:

We understand that a career as a field officer is indeed stressful, and we fully support our staff developing hobbies and other positive, creative, stress-relieving activities as part of their home life.

However, you should never post thinly disguised rewrites of incident reports to fanfiction.net.

[Additional handwritten note] And if you DO post something there, it damn well better have dramatically improved grammar, spelling, and punctuation than the tripe you previously uploaded. - JJA

350:

Strategically arranging Residual Human Resources on sidewalks so the Google Street View vehicle mounted cameras pass by and record "the world's largest lemon party" is unacceptable.

Additionally, the Liaison Officer from the Black Chamber reports that Google has purged the related images from all of their servers and backups.

351:

Re: The Break Room Fridge

All employees must attend a mandatory spatiotemporal safety meeting after the potted PLUTO KOBOLD headroot managed to convince the gardener to "try something I saw on Futurama" with the previously discussed lunchbox.

Upon entering the box he continued to hold on to the handle, and it is only thanks to the quick actions of a passing employee that we are all sitting here still.

In the future it should be noted that trying to drag a portal INTO a portal while you pass through it can involve a sensation not unlike being drunk... through a straw. It can also lead to dangerous nothingness incursions, and as a result all items which were previously contained within the break room fridge are nowhere to be found.

Under no circumstances is anyone to attempt to open the fridge, as it contains nothing. Literally nothing, there is a hole in everything, and it is only due to the remarkably sturdy construction of the refrigerator in question that the hole did not spread to consume the rest of space and time.

Due to the distance between the two ends of the portal, it had apparently set up a closed timelike trajectory, and as an unexpectedly positive outcome, the issue of extragalactic graffiti by... uh... whats-her-name, is solved. The astronomy boys say they now know what caused the reionization period, as it seems to have unwritten the damages caused by... Abby? Anne? I can't quite recall any longer.

This could be why some of you remember the fridge exploding yesterday, while also remembering that it did not explode yesterday. Timeloops are nasty, folks, there is a reason why we don't just set up teleportation portals so we can "hop from here to the bar after work", so please stop leaving those as suggestions. We would like to avoid any further incidents such as the one involving Agatha(?) in the future or past.

352:

Employee is fortunate that her summoning attempt failed due to improper calculations. Even if the target entity, quote, "can't be that bad, after all, it's clearly that cute fuzzy critter on that cartoon my niece watches", all employees are reminded that FERRET INCUBATOR is still a Class Five entity and as such should not be summoned, ever, regardless of what bargains, deals, or contracts it might offer in return.

(In addition to disciplinary measures, employee is recommended to actually watch the show in question to drive this point home.)

353:

A PhD thesis on "Examinations of coauthor number spaces; real, imaginary, complex, negative, and fractal" was all well and good, but summoning a negative Erdos just as a coauthor?

Really?

354:

As much as everyone would like to congratulate Alan Turing for his great work and have a friendly chat with him, nevertheless it has been established that he has already been bothered quite enough by this Agency during his earthly life, and thus deserves a peaceful rest; targeting him with any OCE-class device (such as the Mod-60 - codename "Gravedust") is therefore strictly forbidden.

355:


[REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED]. [REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED], [REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED].


This is your final formal warning.

Bravo, sir, and well played.

(slow clap)

356:

Shub-niggurath is not subject to 'take your child to work day'.

357:

Enochian Rap Battle.

358:

[REDACTED's] unauthorized attempt to influence the World Cup in England's favor by creating a massive probability distortion field resulted in the usual predictable (and quadrennial) failure when she failed to realize that the result of multiplying two imaginary probabilities is a negative probability.

An own-goal for England, and the Cousins were not amused when penumbric spillover buggered them with less than a minute to go.

359:

It gets worse; a secondary spike resulted in Sri Lanka winning the Test Match, with the second-last ball of the game.

360:

(Some entries could spawn great short stories, or could fit well inside longer ones; I'd love if Charlie picked up on them. Mine are of course freely available for this purpose.)

361:

Having read the whole thread, I now have just one question.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

362:

Nothing, of course.
And nodoby here has clearly ever been exposed to madness-inducing entities from other planes of existence.

363:

I have not been exposed to madness inducing entities. They were santity-inducing, truth-exposing entities.

I am sane. And I have seen the truth.

But you are not ready. So I do not share the truth. No, I hide it, and hint, and tease, and otherwise -- hey, put me down, no .. ARGGhhh . ... White does not look good on me, argh, too tight, can't breath, hey, loosen the sleeves.. ..

364:

Mine are likewise available and I'm happy to confirm that in more legally-useful fashion if helpful.

365:

Your How I Met Your Mother fanfiction contains an irreparable number of breaches of the Official Secrets Act. Worse, it is not fiction.

366:

While we agree that Nyarlathotep would indeed be more humane in charge of the DWP, we cannot approve of any action to bring this about.

Officially.

367:

Agent [Redacted] used "if you don't behave I'll call Nyarlathotep" as a threat to scare his two children (aged 7 and 8) into obedience, and upon refusal by said children to behave as requested proceeded to actually invoke a lesser form of N. inside their bedroom.
A code red alarm was automatically raised by agent [Redacted]'s wards, and an OCCULUS team was immediately dispatched; the manifestation of N. was properly contained and banished and agent [Redacted] was brought into custody.
The children were not harmed but have been left severely traumatized and in need of psychological care.
The house cat is currently missing and is being searched for by six field operation teams; the feline is to be presumed possessed and actively hostile to humanity.

368:

Leaving a Pot Noodle in an inactive summoning grid is not a breach of the rules, chucking a chow mein pot noodle at one and shouting "All hail his Noodly appendages! " just before activating a class 4 grid intended to observe the plateau is not recommended.
3 DSS level employees were sent to convalesce.

369:

Feeding a copy of "Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause" to the reality augmenter as a "test of the validation proposal" is not something that would ever be approved, for the simple reason that if it actually did work, there would be all sorts of issues with territorial claims to the north arctic ice sheet and global warming as an attack on a sovereign state.

===

A body disposal team is needed for one unspecified overweight person.

370:

No, we will not approve C++ for development work. If you think you can write C++ /inside Laundry premises/ without accidentally summoning something, you are welcome to demonstrate to the auditors.

371:

FYI,

all workstations are REQUIRED to use the Agency approved (and mandated) default document template for Word documents.

Additionally, as has been previously communicated, employees are NOT ALLOWED to maintain their own 'custom dictionaries' with Office. While this may cause irritation, the small loss of productivity, and occasional embarrassment, it is safer than having the dictionaries become self-aware. Again.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

372:

In regards to [REDACTED]'s annual "Personal Development Plan":


      
  • Listing "Doomed! Doomed! Doomed!" under "Future Career Goals" section is simply an unnecessarily depressing reminder to all and not appreciated as "levity against boredom"
      
  • "FREAKY FRIDAY soul-exchange with immediate supervisor" is not considered a "reasonable &/or timely" goal for [REDACTED]'s "Short-term Career Advancement Goals"
      
  • Per policy, work with uncleared outside organizations is strictly prohibited. An internal investigator has been dispatched to confirm or deny [REDACTED]'s listing "Voice-over work for 'Rosetta Stone: High & Low Enochian'" as a "Yearly Educational Opportunity/Advancement"

Pending the outcome of the investigator's follow-up, a conference with [REDACTED], [REDACTED]'s immediate supervisor, and one or more HR "Behavior Modification" experts will be held to determine suitable actions to resolve these issues. Adding in [REDACTED]'s prior infractions, more extreme measures may be deemed suitable.
 
Thank you for your time and attention with this matter.
 
Have a splendid day,
Human Resources [Disciplinary Committee]

373:

Unauthorised use of global causality violation for personal gain. We refer you to the relevant provisions of memo 459/2014 which is reproduced below:

----
i, "or potential use for causality violation" is added to line 2 of PARA 122 of the Health and Safety Regulations for Researchers, 'IMMEDIATE NOTIFICATION OF DISCOVERED APOCALYPTIC HAZARDS'.

ii, "Before use" is added to the end of PARA 122 of the Health and Safety Regulations for Researchers, 'IMMEDIATE NOTIFICATION OF DISCOVERED APOCALYPTIC HAZARDS'.
----

The Committee has ruled that as this memo was dated 2 days prior to your violation, you are liable for sanction and/or confiscation of any resulting gains. Please turn the lotto ticket into Security IMMEDIATELY.

ADDENDA: Agent NIVEN's appeal on the grounds that he did not violate regulations as they existed when he used artifact [REDACTED] is REJECTED, as he has been unable to provide any evidence of this. His appeal on the grounds that he bought the lotto ticket before memo 459/2014 was circulated is UPHELD.
- Auditor (Appeals)

374:

Inadequate testing protocols.

While the Committee applauds agent NIVEN's work in re-engineering the neural networking behind SCORPION STARE technology to alter polarity, testing said technology out live at the Louvre was unsound both scientifically and professionally, and exposed the Laundry to unacceptable publicity as being involved in the apparent theft of an important piece of art.

Your department's budget has also been debited for the costs of the following actions:
- Emergency cleaning of Louvre area for bloodstains
- Disposal, corpse of one nude Greek woman, lacking arms.

375:

Inappropriate use of office equipment.

ALL staff are reminded that the photocopiers are NOT to be used to produce images of body parts. This is especially true if the body parts are not yours, doubly so if they are not human, and triply so if they might present a chemical hazard to the copier itself.

376:

Gross negligence in use of classification procedures, resulting in De Vermis Mysteriis being stored in the recreational gardening section of the public library.

377:

Unauthorised use of succubi-pheromone based products on fellow employees while on field operations.

You are also reprimanded for your comment "I didn't want to sleep with her, I just wanted her to be the slutty one that always dies first", which displays gross callousness as well as poor reasoning skills.

378:

Inappropriate deployment of recursive memetic technology into Laundry security protocols.

You are reminded that as per the [REDACTED] Agreements, recursive memetic technology using [REDACTED] derived procedures are [REDACTED]. Not only are they dangerous, they waste the [REDACTED] time and [REDACTED]. An uncontrolled infestation can [REDACTED] as in CASE BLUE BUTTON, [REDACTED] and potentially [REDACTED]. We do not want [REDACTED] again after [REDACTED] time!
- [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] Committee, [REDACTED] Chair[REDACTED]

379:

Inappropriate pubic display of an honesty geas while attending a trade conference for car sales employees. We had to pass off two dozen fatal cerebral hemorrhages as 'food poisoning'.

380:

(Re 379: well, I originally meant "public", but "pubic" may work even better...)

381:

Insufficient care in dealing with PLUTO HADES liaison. Your invitation for them to participate in Guy Fawkes Day without an adequate explanation as to the limits of this invitation resulted in unacceptable damage to the Houses of Parliament.

382:

Employee summoned a Class 3 Feeder to act as a "Maxwell's Demon" to reduce home heating bills. All staff are reminded that the Second Law of Thermodynamics is there for a reason, and the London Fire Department were not amused.

383:

Failing to dispose of lunch left-overs in a timely manner, causing the break-room refrigerator to be overrun by fungus.

Failing to alert the manager when said fungus broke out of the refrigerator.

384:

Someone has leaked details of operation DIE BANKSTER DIE to the Book Suppository http://www.bookdepository.com/Rhesus-Chart-Charles-Stross/9780425256862

Even worse, the official cover-up/disinformation is not yet available! http://www.bookdepository.com/Rhesus-Chart-Charles-Stross/9780356502533

Also, the exit probers should not be referred to as "Greys". They are just doing their job to discourage illicit leakage.

385:

Employee reprimanded for violating Internet usage policy. While very occasional use of work computers for recreational purposes is generally acceptable, the policy clearly states that Laundry computers will NOT be used for emails to the Internet Oracle, given the extra functions in the Department's router.

No, we haven't fixed that bug since the last incident. Stop asking.

386:

Unbelievable stupidity.

For the last time people, our firewalls PREVENT this sort of thing coming in from outside. If you see a 419 scam, it is coming from INSIDE the organisation. And if it's asking for a blood donation so it can help smuggle stranded Red Cross supplies out of Nigeria, DO NOT POST ANY OF YOUR BLOOD!

387:

Actually, use of a "Not Poodle" in this manner probably constitutes breaches of various UN and Geneva conventions, and international laws, forbidding the use of biological or chemical weapons. ;-)

388:

{hand-written note}
In this context, note that it is permitted to delete pre-supplied "autocorrect" entries, but not to create new ones,

A.

389:

Unauthorized use of a Class 1 summoning grid to transport beverages from the break room to the employee's workstation.

390:

Added its Ptaath-Turing invocations .mp3 in its iTunes shared library and left its peer-to-peer tool access to it for all the world to share.

391:

Setting computer name to "Ha*tur" to "get at people who ping it too often" is not an approved method of cyberdefence.

While we agree running nmap on the whole network just to find the departmental network printer was excessive, said employee did not "have it coming".

Neither the relatives nor the plumbers were particularly amused.

392:

Your request for Laundry IT to interact with [REDACTED] 8.1 is declined.

Not only is [REDACTED] 8.1 not a Laundry product, but, despite the best efforts of the world's best Turd-Polishers, it is so obviously malevolent that even the general public have noticed that it is a sanity-consuming abomination.

IT's requests to utilise thermonuclear ablation on the source code of [REDACTED] 8.1 have been denied due to the risk of the entropy glut feeding That Which Spawned It.

IT is well aware of the risks of [REDACTED] 8.1 gaining access to an area of eldrich residue, and has swift and decisive procedures in place to contain and then neutralise the threat.

IT advises all staff to avoid areas where the concrete ceiling appears to have melted and/or dripped. Especially if it is still cooling down.

PS: The Auditors wish to discuss your degree of exposure to [REDACTED] 8.1 with particular reference to areas you should stay away from.

393:

IT containment equipment is NOT A TOY. Use of it to light a barbecue is in violation of Standing Orders, even - and I want to make this perfectly clear - even if your rival HAS used liquid oxygen on his and challenged you to "Beat That!"

394:

1. Reverse engineering the tool chain form the "Dead Badger" article is a laudable achievement, but one which should not have been undertaken without prior authorization.

2. The use of residual human resources as test subjects keeps them from their normal duties. Further it is a violation of health and safety guidelines.

3. A series of "zombie battles" is not an appropriate way to determine the best Linux distribution.

395:

Your observation that the HTML5 WebGL bindings make it possible to implement even quite significant glamours in JavaScript is evidence of a commendable effort to maintain proficiency in the latest technologies and of substantial creativity and ingenuity. Similarly, your work on efforts to tag, implant, and penetrate users of [REDACTED] forums in cooperation with [REDACTED] under VIRAL STATUS has attracted favourable comment from [REDACTED], the Black Chamber, BLUE HADES representatives, and HMQ personally.

However, in the light of the extreme sensitivity of Project VIRAL STATUS, as well as on broad grounds of public policy, we can only condemn your recklessness in the most severe terms. Although the broad concept of using a well-known exploit in OpenSSL (itself implanted via [REDACTED] of a [REDACTED] under [REDACTED]) to deliver implants to target fora was intelligent, and the idea of testing the deployment code against in-the-wild fora was not in itself any cause for reproach, we confess our bafflement as regards the reasoning that led you to:

a) include the demonstration glamour (assessed as Class 2) code in the test implementation
b) choose SiliconValleyPickUpArtist.com as the test target

We are not convinced, in the light of your previously demonstrated competence, that it was as you claim an accident that the glamour succeeds pseudorandomly with a probability of seduction of around 30%. Rather, we suspect some kind of sick joke. As did they.

Impact assessment showed that this escapade of yours resulted in two (? three cases remain undetermined) suicides, serious dissension within the Twitter feminist community, and at least one wedding, as well as the release of weakly supernatural code into the public domain (assessed as a Class III BROKEN BROOMSTICK event). It was only fortunate that Edward Snowden chose to disclose the content of VIRAL STATUS himself, thus avoiding the intense embarrassment that might have eventuated had the exploit code become public by this means and in this forum, and the still greater embarrassment that might have eventuated had they managed to debug it and render it deterministic.

[ANGLETON: Was Snowden's action really only fortunate?]

So many of the targets appear to work for Palantir Technologies, [REDACTED] Holdings, Google [REDACTED] Labs, or other [REDACTED] industrial partners in PROJECT PAELLA that this would have been bound to happen in the end, and it would certainly have got back to us, as at least one of them is indoctrinated for demonological intelligence material by a partner agency. The effect on the intelligence special relationship [NOTE: Which one? BLUE HADES or the other? Kindly clarify - Eliz. R], especially with regard to sources and methods, could have been serious. You should really have considered this possibility.

In the light of the BROKEN BROOMSTICK event and its impact on the target community, however, a decision has been taken to develop this as a technique for future efforts to Prevent, Contest, and Disrupt [REDACTED] social fora.

396:

Although we all know how annoying spammers can be, we are hereby forced to remind you that the risk of public exposure is too high to allow employing any kind of non-standard means to deal with them. This includes "an innocuous imp that only made their mailserver explode".

397:

Using Laundry facilities to launder personal articles of clothing.

398:

(There are four other Laundry books? Why did I think this was the first one?)

Application for use of truth geass at a political convention is denied. You are reminded that public belief in, and approximation to, free will is considered important.

Having honest politicians would raise too many flags and warnings; even if nothing was traced back to us, someone would detect what happened, and outside investigation into geass would be the result.

Remember: It is not the job of Laundry to clean up politics; our job is to give them the "white background" that they need to make a mess. Honesty in politics could only happen if someone were to campaign on that as their promise.

To anticipate your next proposal: No, compulsion geass on a new/upcoming politician is not acceptable. Even if it could be passed off as their personal choice, it still is a direct violation of free will.

---

Hand-written post-it: Is there any way that this person's work experience can be protected/hidden, so that they could run for public office? Maybe being exposed to said compulsion geass would give them proper insight? And if it somehow worked, we could actually claim free will, as it was their idea.

399:

I've just realised how Google gets away with accounting for all its London-based EMEA ad sales as if they were in the Republic of Ireland in the Laundryverse. It's actually true that the building in Shoreditch is bigger inside that it looks. But the interior is certainly not in Ireland...

400:

Click here to chat with hot ladies in THE CALABI-YAU MANIFOLD now!

401:

Inviting subordinate over for dinner, telling them that you will be serving "Filet Minion".

402:

We found most of an FM-encoded program in your work-in-progress dubstep remix of a Paul van Dyk track. You can play it twice if you really insist: the second time would not be for an angel.

403:

Must attend Disability Awareness and Entity Identification courses. Peripheral Nerve Hyper Excitability is not to be misconstrued as a sign of possession.

Also to re-certify for small arms licence due to inability to hit a stationary target at close range.

Filed under Health & Safety NEAR MISS.

404:

We have had an unfortunate near-miss with a science fiction fan in the office:

  • [SFFan] is a hobbyist programmer, but does not normally program for us and has limited training. Nevertheless, [SFFan] is loosely aware of the basics of what might be described as Complex World programming as opposed to Real World programming - not enough to do anything intentional under most circumstances, but enough to know better.
  • [SFFan] recently read Greg Egan's Permutation City, thus being exposed to the "dust theory". A consequence of this theory is that a program, once set in motion, will continue somewhere even if halted by non-computational means in our own reality. [SFFan] was heard enthusing about this.
  • [SFFan] was recently seen writing a program in Haskell that:
    • Enumerates all lambda calculus terms

    • Attempts, concurrently, to normalise - that is, run - all of them
  • Being Haskell code, rather than getting stuck in an infinite loop generating an infinite number of terms, this program would actually run.

    To clarify: if left running, this program would eventually 'cast' all possible 'spells', no doubt discovering ones that make "Summon Infovore" look safe. It is unlikely to do so in an order that somehow cancels out its own effects. [SFFan] knows enough to deduce this, and based on recent reading etc also appears to believe that there is some chance that merely starting the program would cause this to happen somewhere. As such, the likelihood of the program running long enough to have any effects in our universe is of limited relevance.

Clearly, [SFFan] is not to be let anywhere near a computing device again.

[NOTE: The "dust theory" does not, of course, pose a direct risk to us in this context. The odds of upsetting our interdimensional neighbours are another matter however, and we have enough abysses looking back at us already.]

405:

Hijacking heavy-duty pneumatic garbage trucks for the purpose of moving entities across London traffic definitely does not match the department-mandated way of transportation. The fact (of which the perpetrator was apparently unaware of) that the embedded control software of said garbage trucks was written in a language which, by accidental design, is not too distanced from basic Enochian complicates the matter somewhat further. The neighbourhood was not impressed either.

406:

Employee [REDACTED]'s regular duties involved assignment of code names.

The last five such code names, in chronological order, were:

GENTLE TENTACLE
TUMESCENT ENTELECH
CHILL FONDLE
PERSISTENT OSCULATE
CARNAL ETERNITY

Employee had clearly fallen under the influence, and it falls on this committee to determine the influence of what, and why you, as their line manager, failed to notice or to take timely action.

Further note that existing producers and regulations do not permit altering properly assigned code names, even improper ones, and the abstract geometries committee will indeed be obliged to continue meeting as PERSISTENT OSCULATE.

407:

Use of glamours during April Fool's day is neither appropriate or safe. Appearing in the canteen as a giant psuedopod was one of the worst decisions you could have made. It was lucky that a member of the Counter Possession Unit was on hand to dispel the glamour and save you from death by breadknife and fork. And spoon.

Not only that, but you were lucky to escape major Krantzberg Syndrome damage from parsing the glamour in your head.

408:

We recently received a complaint from one of our administrative managers, beginning as follows:

"My staff have recently informed me of an ancient sect known as the Justified Ancients of Mu Mu. I find their freedom to roam the land quite disturbing, as their connections to anarcho-techno-terrorists the KLF make it clear they do in fact intend to upset the apple cart."

By the time the complaint requested that we ban popular children's programme Doctor Who, it was clear a psych evaluation would be necessary. Apparently he now has a phobia of ice cream vans and when he lies awake at night, he ponders the question "what time is love?" while catastrophising that 3am will become eternal. He also refuses to take the last train anywhere.

It is not yet clear whether the manager's staff were winding him up, but this bears investigation.

[NOTE: External Assets in question were burned subsequent to MEGA FLAMING MAJESTY]

409:

Loaning residual human resources to TV producers is completely unacceptable. We don't care that "it made Bran and Jojen's scene totally AWESOME!".

410:

Claiming to have INDIGO DEITY KING FIRE APOCALYPSE clearance isn't going to fool Harry. Or anyone else. You'll have to buy your own toys.

411:

Submitting a disciplinary/final warning that violates copyright - to wit, the majority is a modified extract from Baboon Fart Story.

412:

A/S/Led a Black Chamber Controller. From the office.

413:

The Auditing Committee would like to thank SSO 4 [REDACTED] for the submission of his paper on bureaucratic computational processing. We do agree (and have been researching since 1977) that the function of the Laundry's bureaucratic apparatus serves as a very low level computational processor and the [i]nature[/i] of the calculations involving CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN has accelerated the coming of the TWA by about 0.00003%. Unfortunately, because of the nature of the work performed, a Civil Service system has been the only functional manner upon which this organization can run in a manner to provide protection to the United Kingdom.

In addition, we do agree (and wish it were possible) to, in your own words, "crucify every single [REDACTED] [REDACTED] member of Human Resources, incinerate the corpses, and bury them in a landfill." Unfortunately, said actions would violate the Unnatural Environmental Pollution Accords. Said violation may be considered by BLUE HADES to be an act of war, and responded to accordingly.

We do thank SSO 4 [REDACTED], and considerations will be made into further research into the topic.

414:

With regard to incident #407:

We are considering permitting Glamors for use on Halloween, subject to further review. Please submit your intended usage/images for consideration no later than Aug 30.

** Important: ONLY for use on yourself. No forms of manipulation or pheromones will be permitted. Anything that cannot be explained as a really good costume will not be permitted. If the intended use is a costume party, we will want to know approximate numbers and nature of the party and expected visitors. Nothing that will cause long-term terrors in children (more than 6 months to recover).

===

This seems like a really, really bad idea. Please schedule a review of the employee that approved/signed off on this idea.

415:

Please, don't do that.
Really.
Just DON'T.

416:

Release of unearthly geometry and Enochian script to member of the public "Hosni Mubarak" in attachment "BankAccountDetails.zip" to email dated 2014/03/23 re: exciting financial opportunity.

417:

While we acknowledge the quick thinking and use of initiative that led to the interdimensional portal in Kings Cross Station failing to raise significant public comment, we feel that labelling it "Platform Nine and Three Quarters" had a direct influence on approximately a dozen schoolchildren going missing during the period when it was active. We have only managed to recover seven and a half of them.

418:

A syntax highlighting plugin for old high enochian does not belong in public upstream vim repositories. This breach had several casualties. While we appreciate having him among our ranks, Bill Joy would have been better off outside of residual human resources.

419:

The third floor xerox machines are not to be used for copying summoning sigils, as per the signage. There are isolated xerox machines on the fourth floor with appropriate wards for this purpose. While the creature was eventually contained, damage to the third floor ladies' bathroom is estimated in excess of ten thousand pounds and the casualties from the contaminated water cooler during the three-week period prior to the breach being identified is estimated to be at least twelve, not counting memetic or transmutation damage not affecting workplace efficiency.

420:

Submitting Laundry-originated code to the OCC contest is strictly forbidden, as [REDACTED] should have known full well. That said code caused the machine running it to become a sentient and loyal Laundry employee (contractor? asset?), while a commendable feat of engineering, will not be considered for a "Recruitment Target Award", as submitted.

Also, the IOCCC want their servers back.

421:

Employee dubbed an Enochian chant to raise the dead over the Chanting Monks segment of Monty Python and the Holy Grail and then torrented it via various sites such as The Pirate Bay and Kickass Torrents to name but two, under the auspices of the legitimate version.

Outbreaks of dead pets from gardens across the country have been occurring with alacrity.

Employee had been tasked under PURPLE BASTION with research into summoning legions of the undead as a line of defence for CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN and had been disappointed at his superior's denial of his beta test program. Employee rewrote the script to summon only pets in gardens before dubbing it over the illegally obtained copy of said film.

Therefore the employee is reprimanded for illegal acquisition of intellectual property belonging to EMI Pictures and promoted for his knack of Enochian to SSO3, with a note that any testing program designed by her is to be thoroughly investigated before approval

422:

Employee shows an unprofessional attitude. To be specific, when asked to come up with cheaper experimental protocols for PLUTO KOBOLD research, he formally submitted a proposal for selling dessicated tissue samples as, quote, "the latest magic mushrooms", unquote, in local nightclubs to observe results.

Employee is demoted TWO grades.

ADDENDA: At the personal intervention of SSO Angleton, the penalty has been reduced to one week suspension.

HANDWRITTEN NOTE IN SHAKY HANDWRITING: Oh my God, I think I saw the old bastard actually chuckle at this one!!!

423:

Employee started rumours among a class of new recruits that Sir Terence Pratchett was suffering from Krantzberg Syndrome, leading to mild humiliation and loss of work efficiency. Employee is formally reprimanded.

SENIOR AUDITOR NOTE: This incident is now classified ORANGUTAN LIBRARIAN. All staff involved below SSO5 have had their memories wiped; all staff involved SSO5 and above who do hot have ORANGUTAN LIBRARIAN clearance and enjoined under their Oath to never speak of it to any person not having such clearance.

Since he no longer has any knowledge of his action, the employee's record has been expunged and the reprimand removed. However,assign the little smartass to paperclip audits for the next five years or something - despite his cover, TP does NOT have a sense of humour.

424:

All employees please note: There is not, has never been and will never be a piece of equipment in our inventory named "The H. R. Geiger Counter", so please stop asking for it.

P.S. Nor is there an R. H. R. Geiger Counter. Nor an H. R. H. Geiger Counter, and even if there were, we already knoe what happened to GUSTY CANDLE.

425:

Dear [REDACTED],

PLEASE stop including doge memes in your reports. It might amuse PURPLE MAJESTY, but I AM YOUR LINE MANAGER, GODDAMNIT.

P.S. I'll let you read the file on her corgis sometime.

426:

When in doubt, always disambiguate between Her Majesty's Government and Heavy Machine Guns. You'll be amazed the difficulty that failing to do so causes in Procurement.

427:

[Joint effort with Jennifer Hackett]

Things Agent SKIPPY is no longer allowed to do in front of BLUE HADES:

  • Order caviar
  • Discuss tentacle porn
  • Ask what giant squid are like in bed
  • Describe underwear stains as an "oil spill"
  • Offer a "fish supper"
  • Suggest "laying a cable"
  • Leave the party in question behind after this all goes down like a lead balloon
  • Explain, in advance of a Doctor Who marathon, that the food being eaten is "the food of my people", fish fingers and custard [NOTE: this is fraud, it should of course be jelly babies. And for GOD's sake don't show them The Sea Devils!]
  • Marathon Jaws and all its sequels
  • Have a Baywatch marathon with a patriotic German
  • Repeat the above with the glamours removed
  • Attempt to convince them that Sharknado is a documentary
  • Show them Piranha 3DD
  • Tell them that Sharktopus is research footage
  • Start absent-mindedly singing "Fish Heads"
  • Sing the second verse of Let's Do It (Let's Fall In Love)
  • Leave Chicane - Offshore on loop when leaving the safe house for five hours. It's not especially offensive to them in particular, that's not the point.
  • Tell them after a night out drinking that SKIPPY is "green around the gills"
  • Attempt to convince them that our submarines run on crew-provided bio-fuels. And then complain when one suggests a probing with a Geiger counter.
  • Respond by offering to show them SKIPPY's "depth charge"
  • Marathon of H2O: Just Add Water
  • Watch The Poseidon Adventure
  • Watch Titanic and complain sarcastically when they don't view it as tragic
  • Suggest the local chippy as a first option for food
  • Take for a night out at the local, before explaining what isinglass is
  • Tell them "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" is a filk
  • Marathon Spongebob Squarepants
  • Explain the purpose of Tartare Sauce
428:

It is unprofessional to tell new employees humorous stories for amusement.

For example, BLUE HADES does not taste like chicken. DSS Angleton does not have a twin, either evil or working at Harrods. SCORPION STARE is not routinely installed on bank machines as far as you know.

The standard HR orientation materials will assist new arrivals in adjusting to their new jobs. Please limit yourselves to constructive advice to your new coworkers.

429:

Guys, I don't know what's going on over there but "dead, replaced by android" is outside our area of operations. Can it be handed off to someone who will cover up whatever the hell is going on over there? Preferably as subtly as possible.

430:

Unauthorized use of PROJECT GRAVEDUST technology and material from the Bodleian Library to settle debate on the cannonical origin of orcs in Middle Earth.

431:

Review frequent complaints related to misappropriation of communal pastry-based foodstuffs (subtype: cruller) for personal benefit.

432:

Mandatory interpersonal skills review relating to claims that coworker's humming is part of "some [REDACTED] ritual" and not a protected personal expression under Article IX.3 of Employee Handbook.

433:

Review policy regarding personal food items in common fridge. Arranging said items so as to construct a Minor Glyph of Warding is strictly forbidden.

434:

Dreams about travel do not constitute an allowable mileage expense.

435:

Mandatory review of workplace conduct guidelines requested after disruption of presentation by approved vendor Centre National des Techniques Spatiales: "Total Quality Management the CNTS Way".

436:

Agent [REDACTED] reports that BLUE HADES does in fact taste like chicken. In response I am requesting an auditor team to find out how he knows this and a memory erasure for myself. I'm sure I don't need to know that. As soon as possible on both, please.

437:

Ok guys, this has to stop.
NOW.
Not only is the very idea of an Enochian Rap Battle dangerously insane (and you have been warned about this before)... you also used Laundry electronics for on-stage sound processing and amplification.
After three days from the event, our Enochian linguists are still trying to understand what entities exactly were summoned, and how many of them.

438:

ADMINISTRATIVE NOTICE

No, I am not ignoring you.

I am just on vacation in a hotel with the World's Second-Worst WiFi Connection (the worst would be none at all) that goes up and down like a metronome.

Remember, the competition is open until, oh, let's say the 7th of July! Then I'll have to read through everything and compile a shortlist of winners and runners-up and contact everybody. For further updates watch the sky, or the blog, whichever is closer to the end of your nose.

439:

ALERT ALERT ALERT

Effective IMMEDIATELY Agent SCOTT_SANFORD is reassigned to investigating BLUE HADES genetic insertions in Gallus gallus domesticus. We want to know when, how, and WHY!

440:

[REDACTED] told a new recruit that they were attempting to set up a summoning circle in order to conduct a "more thorough test of Schrodinger's Cat", after claiming that "simulations ran with spherical kittens dropped through a vacuum with sealed orifices showed wavelike behavior at p > 0.05!", as it should be a simple matter to locate a universe where spherical cats may be found.

The aforementioned recruit showed regrettable ingenuity in attempting to assist [REDACTED] and managed to open a gateway to a universe which we think is actually populated by spherical cats. This information is limited as immediate efforts went to closing the gate because said universe definitely contained a very hard vacuum, and the unfortunate recruit who was unrecoverable due to the frictionless surfaces on the far side which rendered the search and rescue efforts impossible.

For future reference, while at no time is anyone supposed to attempt unsanctioned summoning or any other type of contact with unmapped branes, if by chance this should take place, be very careful what images you have in mind when performing a ceremony of this type.

441:

INVERTED CRESCENT appears to be trying to gain access beyond her clearance by DoSing OCTOTHORPE GANESH HIBISCUS with disciplinary reports. Which she also doesn't have clearance for. Thankfully her bandwidth appears to be limited: she's only tripped the spam filter once so far.

[ADDENDUM: The reports in question appear to be at least mildly amusing in nature, so unless OCTOTHORPE GANESH HIBISCUS shows sign of irritation they are probably doing us more good than harm. Strongly god-like entities are generally less of a risk amused than irritated or indeed seeking their own amusement. At least, I remember a character in a book saying that once - can't remember how it ended.]

442:

Attn : All Employees
Subject : Jokes

Can We Remind all staff that "Rick-rolling" each other is a waste of time and resource (and quite frankly rather outdated.)

This complaint was raised by an entity known as "PURPLE_HAZE", which made their point quite eloquently .

HR are now recruiting for a senior grade HR development manager , an Associate HR Partner and 3 Payroll advisors.

There would be more vacancies , however PURPLE_HAZE promised to give some back after " Some fun , chillin' an ting"

Why "PURPLE_HAZE" took a cat, 3 mugs and a stapler with Jenny (an Intern ) from facilities we can only guess. Jenny thankfully returned with only minor psychological issues and a very strange story about aubergine.


443:

I think we're all having far too much fun coming up with silly responses. I, for one keep coming back and laughing at the replies.

Love to see this post keep going .

444:

Despite rumors to the contrary, Human Resources is not a "Bond Villain Holding Tank". The purpose of HR is not to provide a fire-walled enviroment so that minor meglomanicatical behaviors can be handled safely and efficiently. As the world moves closer and closer to CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN, efficient employee placement and time management will become vital in the defense of the Realm. This is especially not true in the case of Robert "Bob" Howard, whom has had four HR managers and two of them were trying to climb the internal promotion ladder via the "Klingon Promotion" method and one was a mole from the Brotherhood of the Black Pharaoh and...

Um...

Let us get back to you on that.

445:

So, should I return the five members of Parliament that I got in the place of five heavy machine guns? Procurement is going to have to pay for their geases and mind-wipes, mind you.

Mind you, GIBBONS SAUSAGE was more afraid of the MPs than then HMGs...

446:

SCORPION STARE is by no means an approved way of starting a campfire.
Furthermore, The Royal Parks does not permit campfires within Hyde Park. The Laundry now as an official "situation" with said agency.

447:

Date: January 3, 2014

Details of enquiry:
HMG Civil Service is anxious to provide a supportive and harmonious working environment. In this spirit, Management entirely approves of the exchange of appropriate seasonal gifts between colleagues.

However, a Chinese porcelain teapot, decorated with demon motifs, is not an appropriate gift for DSS Angleton.


448:

Considering what the Laundry could have put on the fourth plinth, your submission was actually relatively reasonable.

The fifth plinth, however, was frankly going too far.

449:

>SCORPION STARE is not routinely installed on bank
>machines as far as you know.

"As far as you know" being the key words here; but further discussion of the matter would require ZURICH GLARE clearance, so please let's stop here unless you want the Auditors to get involved.

Anyway, bank machines are usually watched over by security cameras, so this is basically a moot point.

450:

Made the mistake of leaving a browser window open while testing a Enochian-to-English translation program . Sure, I thought it was hilarious having shambling horrors mutter "12 Things You Cannot Believe Exist In The Outer Dark" or "I Once Made Flesh To Flesh Contact. You Won't Believe What Happened Next".

Was significantly less funny when I was tasked with reinstalling the firmware for all of our deceased brethren, even those not affected by the glitch. Well, that's disciplinary punishment for you. No rest for the weary, yada yada.

451:

Complaints have arisen during the American agent's use of a broad 'Scottish' accent during joint operation HAGGIS WHOPPER. Example: Excessive use of the phrase 'Och, aye.'

452:

"a Chinese porcelain teapot, decorated with demon motifs, is not an appropriate gift for DSS Angleton."

Superb. I wish I had thought of that Oscar.

Sounds like the diversity training refresher course is needed. Abandon all hope...

453:

It was inappropriate to curse John, The Accounts Receivable manager for forgetting to refill the coffee pot.

454:

Firstly, juvenile behaviour in dealing with security residual human resources. We do NOT use the "Z" word around here, we do NOT treat our security staff with disrespect whatever their metabolic status, and we do NOT attempt to tease them with human neural tissue. George Romero is NOT a reliable information source.

Secondly, gross misconduct relating to samples from the medical department.

455:

"What, you mean they'd write him up just for porkin' a mermaid?"

"Not in so many words, but they'd find a way, something like, employee conduct highly irregular in failing to observe best practice guidelines for inter-organization, inter-gender, inter-species liaison protocols, disciplinary review recommended."

456:

(Inspired by #454)

The usage of Residual Human Resources to dispose of
Krantzberg-infested central nervous systems is in violation of several Health & Safety regulations, both for handling hazardous biological materials and for dealing with RHR.

457:

It was very clever to invent a compression algorithm that can reduce any file to 1/4 its size. It was very ambitious to attempt to demonstrate this algorithm by iteratively compressing the entire internet to a single bit (a zero, as it happened). It was extremely poor judgement, however clever, to flip the bit to 1 and re-expand.

Now you get to develop procedures for dealing with umpteen terabytes of images and video containing elaborately dressed individuals in scenes of incredible emotional intimacy, thoughtful analyses of the pros and cons of various nations and consumer products, and impeccably researched fan histories.

458:

Placing a geas on his mug which makes it appear to be filled with blood, worms, feces, urine, or chai tea is also inappropriate.

459:

Bah, meant glamour, started with a "geas which makes him urinate into his own coffee mug" but forgot to swap terms when I changed the idea to putting an illusion on the mug itself.

460:

Entrapment within the event horizon of a superdense all-consuming horror from beyond spacetime is not considered valid grounds for failure to submit your weekly records to timekeeping.

461:

Time dilation caused by relativistic effects due to any kind of space-time anomaly encountered in the course of wotk must not be taken into account when filling timesheets. All work hours are to be computed according to HQ time, regardless of how much subjective time was experienced by the employee.

462:

Correction: as a consequence of a drive for efficiency savings by HMG, relativistic time dilation must be taken into account when filling in timesheets, which are to be handed in to Accounts in person.

[Added on Post-it note]
On the rare occasions when this is relevant, it will save us money. Provided employee returns to HQ to hand in timesheet, his/her subjective time will be less than HQ hours. Anyone who doesn't come back isn't going to be paid anyway.

463:

I beg to differ. Time discrepancies can sure work both ways, but there is experimental evidency that is a lot common for subjective time to be much longer than HQ time (ref. case LION WARDROBE); the official company policy is thus to completley ignore those discrepancies and only take into account official HQ time for the purpose of filling timesheets.

464:

To: All team Leaders and Residual Herders
From: Acting Head, Human Resources and Director SHEF


In light of recent events, please evaluate the mental stability of staff BEFORE informing them of the results of their latest Annual Personal Review.

An unfortunate, post-APR, incident involving recently became the subject of discussion in Parliament. This is not helpful.

On a separate note: volunteers willing to represent the company at the various funeral services would be greatly appreciated.

465:

Agent tried to ride an adult specimen of Equestrian Red Sirloin in a horse race, on the assumption that it would "run faster". Turned out it indeed ran a lot faster than common horses, which proved quite unfortunate when it started hunting them (and their riders, and the referees, and various members of the public).
Luckily, the race was a very low-profile one and there were not a lot of witnesses to handle; the incident was blamed on equine rabies.
The ERS specimen was sedated, recovered and brought into custody; agent 's remains have been cremated.

466:

(Sorry, it should have been "agent [redacted]", but I used angle brackets instead of square ones, and it looks like angle brackets are indeed very good at redacting their contents.)

467:

Employee designed, and we think intended to use, relativistic device to do high-speed laps of engineering's captive black hole, to take advantage of the recent policy debate on billing by HQ hours instead of by observable hours.

Please note: The black-hole ship requires a large black hole to avoid stringification effects while in orbit. Engineering's hole is too small; however, the rest of the calculations would have worked just fine.

468:

Re: 438

Alert! We have determined that the gateway between Laundry internal networks and the external Internet has been compromised. The administrative head of Laundry is NOT -- NOT -- in an area with questionable network access.

For security purposes, the administrative head would never be exposed to the public internet. Therefore, this person must be a fake.

Network tracers (/usr/laundry/bin/hounds) have been released.


469:

To Whom It May Concern,

It appears to be Thursday now, although my last cognizant memory was of the morning meeting on Monday. My cubicle and physical person appear to be intact and my coworkers seem to be acting normal. There is no paperwork on my desk though, and my computer is off, although it is still warm. I am writing this message on a yellow legal pad I found on the floor.

According to my wall calendar, a quarterly evaluation is due tomorrow. From this information, I have come to two possible scenarios:

1. When writing my review, I inadvertently triggered a geas that wiped my memory of the day. This led to a recursive loop in which I attempted the same actions the next day with the same results. Today, something different must have happened that broke that loop.

2. The office has been compromised and an enemy agent is selectively wiping my memory or has possessed me.

In either case, I believe I need the aid of Human Resources to advise me as to how to deal with my missing time. I do hope they do not count as vacation days, even though I cannot account for my actions during this time. I have a trip to Paris planned next month.

I shall fold this letter in half, write a label "PLEASE SEND TO HUMAN RESOURCES" on it, and tape the letter to my chest. Then I shall attempt to walk to the HR office. If you have plucked the letter from my drooling or incoherent personage, please escort me to the appropriate supervisor.

Cheers,

Nelson Bigglesworth (I think)

470:

#469: I love it!

471:

Stench emanating from men's lavatory after agent's use caused unnecessary deployment of OCULUS Team on report that dead had risen in said lavatory.

472:

I vote for 471.
Wait. What do you mean its not a democracy?

473:

"Making my void-staring time more enjoyable" (employee's own words) by implementing a Solitaire program on the void itself is not, repeat not, an acceptable use of work time, or any other time for that matter.

We don't want the sort of attention that would have attracted had [REDACTED] not chanced upon it mere minutes after instantiation, during his own void-staring time.

474:

Your unauthorised and unnecessary use of a Hand-of-Glory aboard a commercial flight (MH370) leading to widespread problems that the auditors have thus far been unable to deal with.

475:

bash: release: command not found
[REDACTED@ALSOREDACTED ~]$ pacman -S release
Sudo password for [REDACTED]:
:: Synchronizing package databases...
core is up to date
resolving dependencies...
looking for inter-conflicts...

Packages (2): libxrelease-1.1.4-2 tndhndsrls-1.1.0-2
Total Download Size: 3.32 MiB
Total Installed Size: 6.66 MiB

:: Proceed with installation? [Y/n] y
:: Retrieving packages ...
libxrelease-1.1.4-2 1114.2 KiB 3357K/s 00:00 [##############] 100%
tndhndsrls-1.1.0-2 2213.5 KiB | 3872K/s 00:00 [##############] 100%
(2/2) checking keys in keyring [##############] 100%
(2/2) checking package integrity [##############] 100%
(2/2) loading package files [##############] 100%
(2/2) checking for file conflicts [##############] 100%
(2/2) checking available disk space [##############] 100%
(1/2) installing libxrelease [##############] 100%
(2/2) installing tndhndsrls [##############] 100%
[REDACTED@ALSOREDACTED ~]$ release /usr/laundry/bin/hounds
bash: release: /usr/laundry/bin/hounds: No such file or directory
Did you mean: /usr/bin/tindalos/hounds?

476:

Employee was found installing packages from the AUR which included programs designed to summon and supposedly control SNOOPY DUNCE, which has been demonstrated to be impossible repeatedly.

No matter how "cool" you think Arch is, trying to build a version capable of performing a class three or greater summoning is still against IT department regulations, and will result in your computer being replaced with a system running [REDACTED].

477:

Though this is hardly a [d|D]emocracy, for my 3 pence:

51, 66, 73, 80, 117, 122, 143, 156, 162, 168, 184, 191, 220, 279, 291, 327, 378, 382, 395, 413, 419, & 427

Keep 'em coming!

478:

Where to begin?
 
Seriously, where?
 
[AGENT NAME] has been observed committing &/or has freely admitted to the following open violations of standing policies:
 
  * Abuse of Amazon's "Mechanical Turk" crowdsourced marketplace for the purposes of:
    - Creation of "uber-memes" involving pictures of kittens and puppies with snippets of various summoning rituals hidden in the file's metadata, done for the express purpose of creating a "critical mass" of mystical power to "kill all the drooling morons" who might collect such images.
    - Agnes, one of our senior accountants, with 27 years on the job, will be greatly missed.
 
  * Violation of "terms of service" for the popular shared code site "Github":
    - Convincing computer code writers, with promises of "world-conquering power", to write various plugins for the popular "Google Chrome" web browser that included hidden occult information throughout (similar to the incident above) in the hopes of creating a self-aware A.I. able to "tear down the Googleplex and install [UNNAMEABLE EXTRA-DIMENSIONAL ENTITY] as "the One True King of All Creation".
    - Negotiations with the Black Chamber continue as to our culpability for damages caused by the UMBER HULK incident.
 
  * Moonlighting as an author ("Tiffany Tingly", "Kimberly Kumberbatch", and "Mistress I-Feel-Ya" are just the ones we can confirm) of "the world's greatest tentacle porn -- based on real life events!" All (known) monies obtained from these works have been confiscated and added to the service's "Widows & Orphans" fund.
 
  * Vacationing to Yemen with the express purpose of locating a [UNNAMEABLE EXTRA-DIMENSIONAL ENTITY] to "give me my three bloody wishes!" {NOTE: Foreign travel to obtain occult artifacts for the purposes of personal gain is ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN. Furthermore, it is neither "action-packed" nor does it make the individual an "Indiana Jones-level badass". Let us all remember the sad case of [FORMER AGENT WITH DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR] and the DISPLACER BEAST event.}
 
Having had several discussions with [AGENT NAME]'s Line Manager, as well as various stakeholders in the related events, we are still trying to determine a punishment stiff enough to fit this particular set of "crimes". Committee GRAY SAGGY NAGA has been formed to workshop possible solutions. The first meeting is scheduled for the earliest opportunity next quarter, after annual budget reviews have been analyzed.

479:

The following committees are forthwith disband and an immediate investigation by the SWIFT DARK JUSTICE working group to find and punish the perpetrator(s) of this travesty:
 
  * KING KONG DONG
  * OLD BLACK FEE-AIR-OOO
  * DRUNKEN SAILOR WANG
  * TASTY TASTY GHOUL
  * BRIGHT TINY PIANIST
  * GOD SAVE CATHULHU
  * WEE WILLEY WANK
 
For the absolute last time: ALL committee names MUST be submitted (using Form 122B/KADATH "Formal Request for Purposes of Standing-up and Naming a Committee, Working Group, or Memorial Item", pentuplicate) and APPROVED(!) by HR (which will be returned to originator on Form 873D/INNSMOUTH "Final Approval for Purposes of Standing-up and Naming a Committee, Working Group, or Memorial Item", single copy) -- this is -- AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN -- the ONLY approved method for naming said organizations.
 
Ignore this warning at your own peril...
 
 
"Why are we playing these games, again? Seriously! We all know [REDATED AGENT'S NAME] is the bloody prankster and we need to hang him off the roof by his [REFERENCE TO REDACTED AGENT'S BIOLOGICALLY-ATTACHED REPRODUCTIVE ORGAN(S)]!!!!!"

480:

<<Found on in the 3rd floor, NE copy room, stuck to a "secure & burn" document chute door by a piece of well-used gum>>
 
[REDACTED LINE MANAGER'S NAME]: Okay, one more time...sorry, this just isn't sinking in...never had "higher dimensional mathematics" or "chrono-spacial distortions for poets"...so, what you're proposing is Jeremy Clarkson, Gordon Ramsey, and every actor to ever play 'Dr. Who' are all -- somehow! -- "demonic aspects" manifest in a 4th-dimensional local framework, which is fractured from a 19th-dimensional universe, from which "Rubert Murdoch" (more accurately a demonic entity that morphed into him) emerged to take over our universe through parasitic infomorph minons implanted in various FOX News broadcast "personalities" (i.e. "sock puppets")...is that about the size of it?
 
[REDACTED AGENT'S NAME]: well you left out some of the finer points involving the historical "Illuminati" group, present-day Masonic systems, and the REAL meaning behind the zombie craze the past decade...i'm tellin u its [SIC] MASSIVE!
 
[REDACTED LINE MANAGER'S NAME]: *sigh* yeah, let's just not go back down that particular road, shall we? my local cache of "window cleaner" has run dry and it's too late to be--
 
[REDACTED AGENT'S NAME]: shite! i hear someone in the hall outside my flat. going dark! off grid! AMBER RAMBLER protocols!
 
{user has left chat}
 
[REDACTED LINE MANAGER'S NAME]: looks like a picked the wrong week to stop snorting freeze-dried shaggoth...
 
{user has left chat}

481:

ALL EMPLOYEES

Effective IMMEDIATELY no shipping fanfic is to be released involving ANY entity with a code restriction. None.

EQUESTRIAN RED SIRLOIN is a code word. Pay attention, Bronies.

482:

We do not issue human-size hamster balls as standard. Nor does your boss need one just because you set his wallpaper to a drawing of a Hound. And even if OCCULUS teams were trained to operate using them, you wouldn't know about it or how they manage to actually fight at the same time.

Please stop speculating on the architectural concerns involved in the Cheltenham Donut and what can be inferred from this.

483:

When asked to provide an OTP for command use, responded "Angleton/Vetinari".

484:

Though this is hardly a [d|D]emocracy, for my 3 pence:

51, 66, 73, 80, 117, 122, 143, 156, 162, 168, 184, 191, 220, 279, 291, 327, 378, 382, 395, 413, 419, & 427

Keep 'em coming!

Thanks!

Struggling to generate anything worth typing in now - most anything I've thought of, has already been done, and done better than I would have.

485:

Despite being a compliance officer who, among other tasks, is required to post "OPEN SOURCE KILLS" reminders in breakrooms, the officer anonymously submitted a knot coloring decorator to Numpy capable of solving problems classed ROY G BIV.

486:

Same here...they always sounds funnier in my head. Maybe I need to get in touch with my "inner Daemon" and see what they have to say?

487:

Purposefully creating a defective minor summoning grid and subsequently exposing your Laundry-issue warrant card to the result is not an acceptable field-expedient method of reheating your coffee.

488:

Staff are requested not to refer to stockbrokers and others in the financial industry as "Not quite alive, but not dead enough". Quite apart from the impolite slur, Sir Pterry is not happy about the copyright violation.

489:

For inventing the Filibuster.

490:

Dear [REDACTED],

Your request that Laundry IT interact with [READACTED] so as to "modify" [READACTED] 8.1 is denied due to:

[1..(MAXINT-4)]: Probability of violation of NOT THAT ONE too high (0.0000001 -> 0.999+)

[MAXINT -3]: Thermonuclear refactoring of [REDACTED] 8.1 has been ruled out (see NOT THIS TIME RIPLEY).

[MAXINT -2]: Alternative refactoring methods (see THOR, TUNGUSKA, CHALYABINSK-2013) ruled out due to unacceptably large entropy release for sufficient values of ACCEPTABLE YIELD when litho- or aerobraking.

[MAXINT-1]: Despite [REDACTED] billion dollars spent on the world's best turd-polishers, the only result has been coating every sentient being on Earth with an insufficiently thin layer of [REDACTED].

[MAXINT]: If you are in the vicinity of One [REDACTED] Way, then none of these tankers contain the [REDACTED] you are looking for.

491:

Although officer [REDACTED] has demonstrated praiseworthy skill in rediscovering code LIVING DEATH, even greater than that resulting in her employment (preparations to [REDACTED] [REDACTED], and melt the entire [REDACTED] continent, her attempt to field-test in [REDACTED] was, fortunately, prevented just in time, notwithstanding such comments as "The only POSSIBLE way to achive peace in [REDACTED] without killing [REDACTED]body."

Although [REDACTED] may only have had good intentions, [REDACTED] has displayed a major lack of judgement shown by ignoring the fact that unprotected PAUSED humans would be eaten and killed by:
(1) Carnivorous predators
(2) Carrion Eaters
(3) Dogs, rodents, and other vermin
(4) Cats without any reason to obey the heuristic "DON'T EAT THE SLAVES!"
(5) Insects

However much promise code LIVING DEATH may offer in mitigating CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN by massively reducing the available sapient processing power without any release of death energies, it is still impracticable on the grounds that:
(1) Informed Consent would breach OPSEC
(2) Suspended animation is still a hard sell to the public due to:
(2.a) Difficulty in persuading most humans to give up all power over their future and trust utterly in other humans
(2.b) Problems persuading humans that they will in fact be revived rather than killed or forgotten until they and everyone they ever knew are irrelevant
(2.c) The 99(.99) percent who will be in deeply suspended animation have a historically justified suspicion that those who are awake to make decisions during CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN will either not bother protecting the assets of those in dreamless suspended animation, or, more simply, won't give them back.


[ANGLETON] Officer [REDACTED] should be put to work on code LIVING DEATH - perhaps by calculating how many SUSPENDED humans can fit in a standard shipping container.

492:

Failure to disable Scorpion Stare firmware before using Laundry issued cameras to take photos of celebrities is a very serious violation of operational protocol. Difficult and expensive clean-up operations have been avoided in this case only by the fortunate coincidence that the celebrities in question (the Rolling Stones) are already heavily glamoured and re-animated corpses.

493:

Attempting to emulate a Hilbert R-tree D20 space-filling curve to summon entities described by the employee as the 'Githyanki' to overcome a 'Product Identity' geas enforced by a west coast subsidiary of the Black Chamber.

This was attempted without due care and attention, in direct contravention of Health and Safety Executive (HSE) guidelines (Appendix Occultus), and only failed to initiate an OCCINTEL agency dispute because an 'OGL' document had been mistakenly incorporated into the summoning grid.

494:

MISUSE OF HUMAN RESOURCES

Knowingly reanimated his deceased co-workers (after the events of Case OFFICE VACUUM) without HR's consent form.
Then coerced his revived team leader to sign the pre-dated forms posthumously.

Authorization cannot be sanctioned, as higher brain function is yet to be demonstrated by management.

[Lack of evidence to prior intellectualism not withstanding.]

495:

Off topic, but an amusing question came up at the SF Match Game event at Westercon 67. You can google the Match Game show if you're not of the right generation or nationality to have seen it on TV; it's basically Cards Against Humanity as a 1970s game show. Players fill in the blank:

Charlie Stross said, "The last time I read the Necronomicon, ________ came out of my ears for a week."

The most amusing answer is not mine to share, but I'll say one wouldn't normally expect to find many contributors to a Scottish blog in a room in Utah.

496:

Sending fellow employees links to TV Tropes without proper consideration for the powerfully addicting memetic effects of said web site resulted in a total loss of 1247 man/hours.

498:

Poor security procedure. Several of this officer's cases have wound up uploaded to the SCP Foundation database in very thin disguises.

ADDENDA on further investigation, this reprimand has been revoked. All staff will be made aware of the problems of becoming destiny entangled with writers, even amateur ones.

499:

Exhuming the corpse of August Derleth and reanimating it as an office gopher is not an acceptable 5-year career goal.

500:

The Laundry Charter explicitly prevents intervention in UK politics. Therefore, "Exhuming the corpse of [REDACTED], [REDACTED], REDACTED], [REDACTED] and/or [REDEACTED] and reanimating it as an office gopher" is not an acceptable career goal.

Even if they ARE an obvious agent for [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [REDACTED], and/or [REDACTED]. Or possessed by [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [REDACTED] and/or [REDACTED]. Whether or not you inhume them first.

501:

The Laundry is not authorised to conduct political operations, whether on of off UK soil. Therefore, it is not acceptable to "induce involuntary retirement" and/or "inhume" the Prime Minister of [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [REDACTED], and/or New Zealand, EVEN, and I want to make this perfectly clear, EVEN IF they are an obvious reptilian puppet of the 0.01 percent.

Resurfacing the [REDACTED] School of Economics in Trinitite is also NOT permitted.Whether or not they are an obvious vector for reptilian infection and/or propagandising.

502:

While inventive, using Massively Multiversal Codebreaking to delete all the money in every tax haven was NOT an acceptable use of Laundry equipment.

What do you MEAN you erased ALL their backup tapes?

503:

1. IT Security Protocols state that any and all tattoos on an employee's body (and their family members') must be pre-approved by the relevant Section Head. This protocol was not followed in [REDACTED]'s unfortunate case.
2. Ethics and Compliance Guidelines specifically prohibit employees from engaging in illegal activities, with sanctions up to and including termination (the other kind). Breaking and Entering into a tattoo parlour, even if said establishment is owned and run by [REDACTED]'s younger brother is in gross violation of these Guidelines.
3. Health and Safety Regulations dictate self-administration of medication of any sort (including those sold over-the-counter or as "food supplements", if there was ever a more nefarious marketing scheme with such immense implications on our ability to handle CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN, but I digress) must be performed only after a publicly-certified medical professional has issued a suitable prescription, and only after said prescription was submitted (attached to form 613/B/add.23.x2) for archival safekeeping. Due to the special nature of the tattoo ink used in this case (an abominable home-made brew if there ever was one) we have determined these Regulations to have been applicable here as well, adding to the number, scope, depth and breadth of [REDACTED]'s violations.
4. SOE Operational Procedures forbid the use of knowledge, tools and techniques acquired through an employee's training for personal, non-operational purposes. Needless to say, tattooing a summoning grid around one's own genitalia using metallic ink, in an ill-advised attempt to attract and contain a "pleasure imp" with a level-5 glamour is in and of itself in contradiction with said procedures. Adding insult to injury, the summoning grid was faultily constructed, and the most it was able to attract was the old metal fillings in [REDACTED]'s molars, making for a sorry state of affairs indeed. While [REDACTED] is to be commended for being able to summon an OCCULUS team to his rescue (further worsening the state of his affairs in front of this Review Committee) despite his physical state, the fact that his younger brother's girlfriends (who, apparently, live in the flat just above the tattoo parlour) were the first to discover him, put SOE at risk of exposure of operational capabilities and procedures to unauthorized civilians, and necessitated the use of extreme memory erasure techniques, binding geases, and facial muscle-relaxing injections on the young ladies. The cost of the cleaning operation (including emergency psychotherapy treatment to the entire OCCULUS team and several civilians) is already in the millions of Pounds Sterling, and still accruing.
5. This committee has been deeply divided on whether any further punishment should be inflicted on [REDACTED] given that this review and supplementary documents (including visuals from the scene) are already on his permanent record, and that some of the details (including, but not limited to, some of said visuals) have leaked to the general Laundry staff. We therefore conclude this investigation without formal punitary recommendations, and leave this item to the discretion of Director [REDACTED], the Department Manager in charge.

[Signed:] [REDACTED], [REDACTED] of [REDACTED] HR.

[Scribbled in hand-writing on the cover] Give the chap a break, will you? Office Services should once and for all remove that picture from the break-room fridge door. Send an RHR to do it if the Day Staff won't go near the portal using ordinary binding powers. And have IT track down all the copies on our servers and permanently erase them (except HR archives, of course).
Also, get me the formula for that ink, forthwith.
[Signed:] Angelton

504:

“When the stars are right” is not an acceptable return date on your employee leave request form.

505:

Characterisation of the BLUE HADES special visiting agent’s “non-Euclidean geometries” as “crackingly bootylicious” is not appropriate input to her 360 degree performance appraisal.

506:

Instructed newly-recruited analyst to pop down to the shops and pick up a creme-filled Dho-Na for the shoggoth on sublevel four.

507:

Agent SHARP CUDGEL is reprimanded for unauthorized opening of a gate to the plateau of Leng, further reprimanded for improper disposal of consumer electronics into said portal, and congratulated for keeping the Opener of the Ways harmlessly occupied playing Angry Birds for 249 hours (so far).

508:

Employee was wandering the hallways during break time, chanting a series of 6 numbers that begins with "four, eight, fifteen", and ends with "forty two". While there is no known significance to this sequence, employee was chanting with intent sufficient to trigger something if in fact it is a trigger chant.

Specifically, intention to activate a unknown incantation is so far beyond acceptable that we must consider that this employee has LOST their mind, or somehow been mind controlled. We cannot believe that any employee would intentionally violate security to this extent, unless they do not take Laundry seriously.

509:

Added in barely decipherable handwriting:
Forwarded to the auditors for further inquiry. It's bad enough the Black Chamber supercharged the Valenzetti Equation by leaking numbers not to be named to the General Population.

On another note, feel invited to my advance screening of "Star Wars VII"to vet any other "Inside Killing Jokes[1]" by J.J. Abrams.

[1] No, we're not into 80's PostPunk. Again.

510:

To: All team Leaders and Residual Herders
From: Acting Head, Human Resources and Director SHEF

In light of recent events, please evaluate the mental stability of staff BEFORE informing them of the results of their latest Annual Personal Review.

An unfortunate, post-APR, incident involving [REDACTED] recently became the subject of discussion in Parliament. This is not helpful.

On a separate note: volunteers willing to represent the company at the various funeral services would be greatly appreciated.


Resubmitted due to recursive redaction.

511:

To: All staff, residual staff and attached undead.
Re: Adjudication - Professional Practices Case# 314.

Background
Staff will be aware of the recent security breach via which detailed accounts of Acme Cleaning Services activities have been released into the public domain.

Staff are reminded that they are signatories to the Official Secrets Act 1989 (Section 3 Annex) which contains provisions protecting more limited classes of official information.

Consequently, they must not release into the public domain, manuscripts purporting to be fiction, which in large part reflect the activities of the service.

Adjudication of case
Weak obfuscation including: replacing ACS with an agency entitled "Laundry", naming the main character after an American wrestler and changing your spouse's eldritch weapon of choice from a banjo into a violin was found to have occurred - together with 733 other counts of similar poorly disguised disclosures.

Little mitigation was noted. The obfuscations were transparent, childish and quite below the standards normally expected for misdirection operations conducted by experienced operatives. It is understood that the Russians have not yet stopped laughing and the US have sent their sympathies.

Punishment
The staff member responsible will now be required to maintain the subterfuge as a professional author indefinitely. He is required to write another Merchant Princes trilogy next year, the third Halting State novel by next Christmas and will retain his current hair style.

He will also be required to provide user support for Human Resources until further notice.


512:

For his extensive use of angled brackets instead of square brackets, resulting in the redaction from this universe of three standard-issue paperclip boxes, twelve HR procedures, two bathroom stalls from the second floor lavatory, Jeff's broomstick, three MC's and one DJ, several useful UNIX commands (including the one that takes a thing from one location and places it in another), the rear end of an OCCULUS truck (including the external equipment rack and most of the rear wheels), an unknown number of RHR's, two game wardens, seven hunters and a cow, IT Support Staff 2 [REDACTED] is formally reprimanded.
Failure to complete his mandated training under this committee's findings within five working days will result in redaction of pay in the same manner. In addition, ITSS2 [REDACTED] and his line manager ITSS4 [REDACTED] are tasked with leading GIBSON BERMUDA LABYRINTH special-mission group, aimed at finding and retrieving the aforementioned items as well as any other Laundry inventory that has similarly gone missing.
We also suggest IT revisit their overloading definition procedures and related training materials.

513:

Attempting to run a geas engine in the Laundry offices with Employee Handbook as its focus. While the zeal from HR is appreciated, conformance to rules and regulations should not be at the cost of free will.

All geas engines are prohibited, as was made perfectly clear following the Mills & Boon incident last month.

514:

511: Winner!

515:

ORANGUTAN GANGRENE HEARTY is Not Your Bitch.

516:

After consultation with legal counsel, I can neither confirm nor deny that ORANGUTAN GANGRENE HEARTY is or is not a bitch, is or is not yours, and is or is not behind you right now with a large caliber handgun pointed at your head. Have a nice day.

517:

Well, he/she/it is certainly not mine.

518:

I can surmise that ORANGUTAN GANGRENE HEARTY is likely in the possession of BRIDE'S DAUGHTER SCIURIDAE.

519:

Using Laundry's temporal data feed to submit a contest entry after the contest's end date is a direct violation of sec 34 part d:

"using Laundry computing facilities to violate any laws"

Please note that it does not say "engage in any illegal activities"; time-forging of data is not illegal, but it does violate laws.

520:

Good one, Keybounce. Reminded me of this little gem:
http://xkcd.com/917/

521:

Of course, there's an XKCD for that. There's one for everything.

522:

ATTENTION, LAUNDRY HR PERSONNEL!

The competition is now closed. Judgement is in progress: there will be an update on the blog within the next week.

Yours,

The Management.

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This page contains a single entry by Charlie Stross published on June 19, 2014 2:36 PM.

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